Spontaneous Delight

Onward and Upward!

2011-07-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

I'm moving on from this blog... but feel free to follow me at my new blog or my tumblr!

Thanks everyone for following me all this time.

Dear God,

2011-05-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am trying to trust You. I am trying to make what I know in my head, the fact that You know what is best, feel right in my heart. But I'm not ready.

I just keep trying to remember that You will never give me more than I can handle. Just make me strong. Make me capable. Make me faithful, and hold me close, please.

I'm not ready.

Treasured Gold

2011-05-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

Songwriting used to be such a big part of me. I used to be able to write at least a song a month, if not more, and though they weren't all great, looking back I can proudly say that I wrote some lyrics of real quality that I can still appreciate. Though many of my songs came from a (somewhat embarrassing) place of adolescent angst, I can't deny that those feelings were real and extremely powerful.

I can't write anymore, and I don't know what that means for my life. I haven't written a full song in over a year, maybe two, and it's hurting me. I'm grieving and mourning that part of me; I feel alone and lost without it. I know that I am more content with my life now, and maybe that's why I just don't have the passion within me that I did when I was going through rocky times of heartbreak, identity crisis, loneliness and loss. While I don't miss those things, I miss the art that I made out of them. There's a line from an Adele song that I love that says, "Turn my sorrow into treasured gold," which applies perfectly.

But the ugliness of it all is that I still have a lot of the feelings that once inspired me so much. My life is far from perfect. Rejection, confusion, hopelessness, emptiness. I've had all these feelings in recent times, but my talent for spinning gold is missing in action. These feelings are rotting and fermenting like bad apples inside my heart.

I'm going to be honest, more honest than I usually choose to be in this public place. I'm in a bad way. I feel as though I can't get through a day without wanting to cry, like I don't know or even particularly like myself, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and mostly, hugely, like something is missing. All I want to do is find refuge in a guitar and a pen like I used to, but that doesn't belong to me anymore. It's like wanting to cry on the shoulder of an former lover but knowing that you can't, knowing that your days with that person are past. How do I move on? Do I keep on trucking, faking it till I make it? Do I keep pathetically trying to rekindle the flame?

I remember sitting on my bed crying, scribbling down words and singing until that final moment of release, when the joy of creation overcame the labor pains of birthing a song full of emotion. It made those feelings so much less hard to deal with. It was like every time I sang the words, the emotions became less powerful, like a magic spell. Now those same feelings are overcoming me, winning the battle, and I am weak, getting weaker.

I'm not sure how I am supposed to live. Any advice would be welcome.

Let Go

2011-04-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

I had an Easter Epiphany.

I was sitting there at church when I realized how much I need to be on a worship team. That's what was missing. But here's the catch, because there always has to be one.

While I love being part of the team, I feel like I am always being pushed to lead. I don't like leading. I don't believe that I have leadership qualities; assertiveness is not one of my strengths, and I would not even venture to call myself organized. While I'm not a follower, per se, I really prefer to be the backbone of a group, the dependable one. On the occasions that I have dabbled in leading worship, people always tell me how talented I am and how much I am meant for it. Maybe this is what people see, but it is not how I feel. I get anxious and stage frighty and I never get stage fright.

But despite all this, something keeps bringing me back. People I admire keep pushing me and challenging me to become a leader despite my youth, despite the small numbers of female worship leaders, despite my fears and despite my inexperience. And I've realized that maybe this is one of those things that you always hear about... where God wants you to do something that you don't want to do. One of those times when you're supposed to let go and let God. It sounds cheesy, but I really think that's what's happening in my life right now. And I'm ready for it. I'm ready to take this on.

This will be the summer. This will be the summer I stop doing what I want, and start taking my place on God's stage, no matter how scary it is. PRAY FOR ME.

Bookworm Wednesday: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

2011-04-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided that every Wednesday I'm going to write about a book I've read recently, and I'm going to call it "Bookworm Wednesday"! In case you didn't know, I'm a huge bookworm. I've loved to read ever since I learned how to at age three, and before that I loved being read to. I may not be a professional critic or an English major (anymore!), but I have read a lot of books. I always love to spread the word when I like something, so, here we go!

This week's book is The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

Picture found here

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a series of letters written by the fictional character, Charlie. We do not know who the letters are being written to, as they are simply addressed, "Dear Friend." Charlie's letters follow him through his first year of high school in the years 1991 through 1992, and talk about his experiences with his family, making new friends, and being a "wallflower."

At the start of the novel, Charlie's best and only friend has just committed suicide. It is clear from the beginning that Charlie is not a normal adolescent. Although the book never provides an explanation, he is highly emotional, dreamy, and often depressive and anxious, and has a hard time interacting with other people. At a football game, Charlie befriends Patrick and Sam, two seniors who are stepbrother and stepsister. Through them, he really learns to "participate" in life, and goes through an adolescent journey that ranges from the silly and awkward (e.g.; first kisses, truth or dare) to the traumatic and the tragic (e.g.; abusive relationships, alcoholism, sexual abuse).

I'm shocked that this book escaped me during my adolescent years, but I'm so glad that I found it now. Chbosky openly drew inspiration from Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, and it is obvious, but his novel takes on a beauty all its own. Charlie is one of the most endearing, poignant and insightful characters I have ever experienced. His experience of life and the people in it are to be admired and learned from, and his optimism is inspiring in a way Holden Caufield never managed to be.

Many of his side comments and questions made my eyes well up throughout the book, and at the end, I was emotionally drained. It's been a really long time since a book affected me that way, actually, probably since I read The Catcher in the Rye for the first time!

I don't want to explain too much, because reading it is such an experience. Needless to say, I highly recommend it.

Diamonds

2011-04-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

Three of my cousins are currently engaged, and I think it's wonderful. I love all of the change and anticipation happening in my family right now. Of course, somewhat unfortunately, it's made me start thinking about engagement. I'll just put it out there: I'm not getting engaged any time soon. I have a lot of school to get through before that could even be an option, and so does Marshall. Not that we haven't talked about it, which brings me to my ultimate point.

Diamonds.

Picture found here.

Marshall has never really struck me as a big humanitarian, social movement kind of guy. Not that he doesn't care about people, and he absolutely has strong opinions, but they're usually more related to his personal or family life. However, he never fails to surprise me. He has a big moral qualm with the diamond industry, and he has made it clear that if and when we get engaged, I should not expect a diamond.

Me: But look at how sparkly it is!

Marshall: Yeah, guess how many African kids had to die for that sparkle?

How am I supposed to argue with that? All humor aside, though, he's managed to convert me over to his side, and now I'm really grateful. I'm not super educated on the subject, but I have recently learned that there are 23.5 deaths for every 100,0000 diamond mine workers. This might not seem too outrageous, but compare it to construction working, which is also considered a "dangerous" profession. In construction, there are 12.2 deaths per 100,000 workers. Most diamond mines in China operate without a safety license. Diamonds are used to finance civil wars in Africa, wars which are often fought by child soldiers. Diamond miners are disproportionately exposed to HIV and AIDS: "Many diamond mining camps enforce all-male, no-family rules. Men contract HIV/AIDS from camp sex-workers, while women married to miners have no access to employment, no income outside of their husbands and no bargaining power for negotiating safe sex, and thus are at extremely high risk of contracting HIV." (info taken from this site). Slave laborers are commonly used to cut and polish diamonds. Beyond all this, diamonds are grossly overpriced for their actual value. Their "value" comes from advertisement and social conditioning.

I'm not trying to guilt you out of your diamond, and I'm sure there are places to buy "cruelty-free" diamonds, I just haven't found any yet. I wouldn't criticize anyone for wearing one, or accuse them of any crime. It's just not something I'm choosing to participate in. And even though once upon a time I would have loved to have a diamond, I've begun to think that it really just isn't worth it. Shouldn't the meaning behind a ring be about the love, and not about the rock? I just don't think I would be comfortable knowing that my engagement ring, the representation of my love and commitment, came to me by harming others.

My birth stone (and favorite stone) is an opal, and Marshall has promised me an opal engagement ring. As far as I've been able to research (But please enlighten me if you know something I don't!), opal mining is a much more humanitarian business than diamond mining, and they are utterly beautiful and unique. I have always loved them. For me, not only does it feel like a more morally sound decision, it's kind of a way of making my love and my marriage my own, rather than following all the reality show steps to a Barbie dream wedding, do you know what I mean?

Picture found here.

What do you think about diamonds? Do you think I'm way off base?

What gives you the right?

2011-04-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

This morning, a woman from the Coalition Against Family Violence came and spoke to my Women's Studies class about sexual violence. She gave a really great (albeit frightening) presentation that was extremely powerful and effective. It made me think about how much sexual assault and harassment women are exposed to all the time that we wouldn't really consider to be "all that bad" simply because it happens so often. Women are constantly being encouraged by society to believe that if they drink alcohol or dress provocatively they are "asking" to be raped, or that it's a woman's responsibility to say no and no means yes, or that men are pigs who make crude comments, but that's just life. I have known and heard about many people who made poor decisions when drunk, or have been coerced into sex they didn't really want to have, or have been inappropriately grabbed or touched in a public place. None of them would have referred to it as assault or harassment because we are so used to this mistreatment that we think it's normal.

I can't remember a time, since I've been allowed to go places on my own, that I haven't been told all the things I need to avoid, and all the things I should be afraid of. I am afraid to go out alone at night. I do carry pepper spray when I go out alone, or with my girlfriends. But why? Why don't I have the right to enjoy my life without fear? Why can a man do that and not me? Because our society says violence against women is something that is unavoidable and just a fact of life?

I was rudely reminded of this fact when I was driving today. I had my windows down and was singing along to some Bruce Springsteen when some guys pulled up next to me at a stoplight and started cat-calling at me and trying to get me to look over. And yes, I was scared. How did I know these guys wouldn't get mad at me for not humoring them and follow me home? It sounds paranoid, but these things happen. And I hate it. Why don't I have the right to drive around town with my windows down without being harassed? Because I'm a young girl who some might find attractive, I have to keep myself out of sight? This is my body, and my being. I have the right to show it or hide it as much as I please. I was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt. I wasn't asking for those guys to yell at me. I didn't think it was funny or flattering. And even though it seems trivial, this is just a varying degree of the type of behavior that our culture, a rape culture, allows and even promotes. That boys will be boys (read: aggressive) and girls should just do whatever they can to avoid being harmed. Well someone needs to do something about it. Someone needs to tell men and boys that it's not okay to behave this way, they are not entitled to anything (especially not my body!!!), and that they need to learn how to respect women. If we would spend time teaching this, with programs like this one, instead of teaching women how not to get raped, maybe things would change.

So, to those guys who were trying to get my attention in the car today: You got my attention. I'm sorry you apparently didn't get enough from your dads. They should have taught you how to be real men.

I was so inspired by our speaker to day, that I gave her my information and expressed interest in volunteering at the Coalition Against Family Violence, specifically with the rape crisis center, this summer. Maybe all of this anger, fear and frustration can turn into productivity.

I have class.

2011-04-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

I know there probably aren't a lot of CLU students who read my blog, but I thought it might be fun to share with you guys some of my favorite classes I've taken here. As you may or may not know, I'm a psychology major with an emphasis in Family and Child Development and a minor in sociology. However, since CLU is a liberal arts school, I've had to take my share of general ed courses. While it is sometimes frustrating to be stuck in classes that have nothing to do with your major or your life, it can also be really liberating. So, here are some classes (Major/Minor related and unrelated) that I've really enjoyed taking here.

General Psychology: This class was what made me switch my major from English to Psych. Our professor really made what could have been a boring and textbook-type class into an entertaining and interactive experience, dabbling in cognitive, social, gestalt, and all other different types of psychology. He always had fun experiments and demonstrations to show us that kept the class fresh and exciting.
Abnormal Psychology: I took this with an amazing professor. She has so much field experience and had so many stories that helped cement the concepts into my brain. Plus, the subject matter is just the most amazing stuff in the world. I cannot understand how anyone could not want to be a psychology major! The human mind is the best. This class made me fall even more in love with Psychology than I already was.
Postmodernism: As ridiculousy confusing, heavy, and frustrating all that philosophy business was, I absolutely loved this class. Postmodernism is... weird to say the least, and I will never be a philosopher, but I loved the films we had to watch for this class (Zorba the Greek, Eraserhead, Blade Runner, and many more...) and the oddball discussions we had in our small groups. On the first day of class we broke into groups of six and chose one day a week to meet, which was really nice. He always had fun projects for us to do to help apply postmodernism to our daily lives. The professor is really a character; a freakishly smart, eloquent, easy-going surfer dude with a Mario mustache.
Jesus in Film and History: This was easily my favorite class I've taken at CLU. It was so challenging, informative, and honestly revolutionary in my life and faith. I loved every second of it. I took it because I thought it would be an easy course to fill my upper division religion requirement (Doesn't it just sound like a breeze?), but it ended up being far from easy. The reading was really thick and scholarly, and we had to write a ton, but I learned so much from it. I was exposed to so many films that I wouldn't have watched otherwise, something that I really enjoyed, because in another life, I would have loved to major in film studies. I love analyzing films, and that's what this class was all about. My personal favorites: Jesus Christ, Superstar, The Last Temptation of Christ, and The Greatest Story Ever Told. Also, the professor is a former Lutheran pastor who has tons of stories and insights to share with the class.
The Oceans: To be totally honest, I complained about this class the whole time I was in it. It's a science course comprised of two parts, geology and biology. I hated the geology part; it bored me to tears. It makes me sad to say because, #1, I love rocks; #2, My grandpa used to teach geology at our local community college. But man, that stuff about plates and tectonics just went right over my head. The biology, I loved. The ocean is completely fascinating to me, and I could learn about ocean creatures all day long! And, in retrospect, I retained a lot of stuff from that class that has actually related to my life and made me feel a lot smarter.
Child and Adolescent Development: I'm in this class right now, and it has totally brainwashed me. Every time I see a kid I'm trying to guess his/her age by studying gross motor skills, language and cognitive development. I LOVE IT. Anyone who wants to be a parent, teacher, child psychologist, or work with children at all should have to take this. It's so fun to find out why kids do the funny things they do, and what part brain development plays in all of it.
Physics For Liberal Studies Majors: I'm also taking this right now, and it is so wonderful. I didn't think I would ever like physics, but since this is physics for dummies and virtually sans math, I LOVE IT. Physics is the coolest. I feel like I'm learning about the world in a whole new way. Our professor is really fired up about everything and it adds a lot of energy to the class. He's also committed to being the best teacher he can be, and spends a lot of time talking to people in the education department and going to conferences to learn about the best ways to teach physics. It really pays off, apparently, because I'm actually getting a lot out of the class. And I hate science. Just saying.

And that is why I love my school. I can't wait to take even more awesome classes in the future! If you're ever by chance attending CLU, take these courses.

People, I think I'm going crazy.

2011-03-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like something is missing. Like I need to try something different.

I tried going to a new library, getting a new library card and checking out a bunch of books. That was nice.

I tried dying my hair blonde. It didn't really work and I don't really like it, at least right now.

I'm trying to be more creative and crafty, and I think that's going OK.

I don't want some kind of crazy lifestyle change, just... something. Any suggestions?

Simply

2011-03-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

Remember the other day when you made me breakfast for dinner while I photoshopped your brother's senior pictures? We were listening to Waylon Jennings through your iPhone, not talking, just doing our separate things but contained in our own little bubble.

I think that's how life should be always. Seeing you bustling around the kitchen, hearing you sing quietly while you fry eggs, not having to touch you, but knowing that you're there, and I'm surrounded by your love and you're covered in mine.

It's simple, and it's love, and it's not perfect, but it's pretty damn close.

He makes the sign of a teaspoon, she makes the sign of a wave.

2011-03-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

This song says it better than I ever could... but the moral of the story is, I think I can be very overwhelming. I feel like a lot of the time, I am the wave, and he is the teaspoon. I feel like I wear diamonds on the soles of my shoes and I don't care about anything, but he works hard and cares about everything.

I don't think I deserve him at all, but there he is day after day. I'm so lucky.

You probably didn't know this, but...

2011-03-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

I get really into gift-giving. Christmas, birthdays, whatever. I love giving gifts and I hold myself to a very high standard.
I love eating leftovers straight out of the fridge for breakfast. Especially Panda Express Chow Mein and Domino's pizza.
I have a really hard time making friends. Most people don't know this, but I'm very shy and socially anxious. I overthink everything. I'm also extremely picky about the people I spend time with, which is why I've had my two best friends have been my best friends for 9 years and 7 years, respectively.
Most of my favorite books take place in the South. I'm obsessed.
I talk in my sleep. A lot.
The first time I ever ran a mile without stopping once was this past winter.
I learned how to read when I was three, and I never went to preschool.
I have a very sensitive personal space bubble. I get panicky when I'm around close-talkers or overly-affectionate people.
My aunt calls me Bella. She's the only one who has ever called me that, and I think it's some kind of permutation of "Clarabelle". It has nothing to do with Twilight.
I have a weird knack for interpreting dreams.
I mix up my words constantly, especially when I'm excited, saying things like "chipstack" instead of "chapstick" or "It's parkly and spink!" or "aramel cappel pops!"
I have a really loud laugh. If you really get me going I will probably cause a scene.
This is because I also snort when I laugh.
When I was little kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut, and Sally Ride was my hero. Then I realized that I'm really bad at math and space is actually really scary.
I get tan really quickly.
Jenn, one of my best friends, and I were always obsessed with firefighters in high school and now we're both in serious relationships with young men on the path to becoming firefighters. I swear it wasn't intentional.
At least once a day I think about how much I miss my paternal grandpa and how much I wish he could have met Marshall.
I will cry at almost any movie, but when it comes to real life, big displays of emotion make me really uncomfortable, and I prefer my crying to be private.
I was the runner-up in my school's spelling bee in 4th grade, but upon re-watching the videotape, we found out that there was a mistake and I could have won and gone to the county bee!
I'm addicted to chapstick. I have to have some in my pocket at all times.

TMI?

Remembering Now

2011-02-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those weeks where it's really hard not to let my head run away with me. I have so many exciting events coming up: an engagement party (not mine), a road trip, summer, a new dorm and a new semester, two of my cousins' weddings, being a bridesmaid in one of those weddings... and then the things far in the future that I just like to meditate on and daydream about.

It's so hard to keep reminding myself, "Hey! There's a NOW, happening RIGHT NOW, and you're IN IT." My head is totally in the clouds.

Speaking of clouds...

Aren't these awesome? This was last week after the rain. Anyway. See? I keep getting distracted!!!

Right now might not seem that great right now because I have to go to class and do homework and clean and stuff, but I can't just opt out. I could miss something!

I have this problem.

2011-02-16T12:25:00.000-08:00

Jack Kerouac said it perfectly: “I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop."

I like too many things. Marshall laughs at me when we go anywhere because everything I see, I say, "Ooh, I love that! And I love that too!" And it doesn't just apply to shopping or art or architecture. I love everything. Except math. I love writing and reading, I love psychology, I love sociology, I love philosophy, I love religious studies, I love kickball, I love soccer, I love biking, I love hiking, I love swimming, I love art, I love music, I love photography. I love camping, I love parties, I love dressing up, I love spending the weekend in my PJ's, I love short hair, I love long hair, I love no makeup, I love makeup, I love traveling, I love staying home, I love friends, I love family, I love my boyfriend, I love security, I love being scared, I love cities, I love the country, I love the suburbs, I love movies, I love plays, I love acting, I love watching, I love being loud, I love being quiet, I love being independent, I love being waited on, I love adrenaline, I love quiet.

I JUST LOVE EVERYTHING. And I think all this love is making me crazy. I think I know what I want to do with my life, but then, I'm just like a little kid and I wake up one day wanting to be a fairy princess or something of the like.

I'm extremely passionate about psychology, and about wanting to work with teenagers and promote self-esteem in adolescent girls. Really. Thinking about it excites me and motivates me, and knowing I am on the path to being able to do that thrills me. I have big aspirations for this path; starting programs, meeting clients, giving talks, teaching seminars, writing books... I want to do it all.

But I also really just want to grab my camera and travel the world and take pictures for the rest of my life. I want to be a photojournalist.

I have always loved music, and part of me always wanted a career from it, but I felt like it was expected of me more than I actually wanted to make it happen. Deep down I've always known that I wasn't cut out for the music business; I am far too shy and soft-spoken (Hard to believe, I know).

Photography, on the other hand, has taken a grip on my heart that music never did. Being behind the lens makes me feel safe and in control, two things I like very much. I love to see things and make other people see them from my perspective; I love finding the beauty in unexpected places.

Is this going to pass, like music did? Will I be content with photography as a hobby?

I don't think that we, as human beings, were put on the earth to make ourselves happy. That's a big part of growing and becoming a better person, but I don't think that our life goal should be, "To be happy." I've always thought that I life was measured by the way it touches the lives of others.

So while I could be pursue a photojournalist career, I think that God just might have a bigger plan for me. I think that He put this fire into my heart for helping others so that I could go out and do it. There are lots of photojournalists who help others by raising awareness and showing people what they may not want to see, and I'm not downplaying that, I just feel that I wasn't put here for that purpose, and that my talents would be better used elsewhere.

That doesn't mean I'm closing any doors... In fact, I'm going to give photojournalism a shot by becoming a photographer for the school newspaper next semester. Also, I started an Etsy shop to sell my photography, so please check it out if you feel so inclined.

What do you think is more important? Pursuing your passions or using your talents to help others? Did you ever have a dilemma like this, or are you going through one right now? What did you end up choosing, if you chose at all?

Cielito Lindo

2011-02-15T18:07:00.000-08:00

Cielito Lindo means "pretty little heaven" in Spanish, and that's where I felt like I was on Sunday when Marshall took me out for the day to celebrate our anniversary. He surprised me by taking me to Downtown Los Angeles to go visit Olvera Street, Chinatown and Little Tokyo! It was the best adventure we've had in awhile, and one of my favorite days spent. Not only was it fun, interesting and a day with beautiful weather, it was a photographer's dream! For those of you who don't know, Olvera Street is a small section of downtown that features many Mexican shops, restaurants and vendors, and is located near the historic adobe that was made by the Spanish settlers of California. Chinatown and Little Tokyo are just what they sound like. ;)

The day really reminded me why I love living in California so much, particularly Southern California. There is so much culture to be found everywhere! If I want to drive for 40 minutes, I can go buy a variety of interesting and cultural FRESH foods, walk down the street and hear people talking in all different languages, learn about the diverse history and people who contributed to the founding of the state that I live in, see and hear amazing art by all different kinds of artists, and see little pieces of many different kinds of lifestyles.

We had burritos on Olvera Street, and I bought jasmine tea in Chinatown that "Smells like Chinese Heaven" according to Marshall. We visited the Japanese-American History museum which was an AMAZING experience that taught me a lot that I didn't know about the plight of Asian minorities in our country. We walked for 5 hours without stopping, and it was all very wonderful. I couldn't believe I'd lived in Southern California my whole life and hadn't visited before.

The moral of the story is, if you're visiting California, please make time to visit this area of Downtown LA. It will be so worth it.

Picture spam time!

Looking down the street in Chinatown

Me in front of City Hall!

Flags on Olvera Street

Building in Chinatown

Graffiti'd freeway sign

Marshall's Chile Relleno burrito (left) and my Chile Verde Burrito! (right)

The Walt Disney Concert Hall

Marshall and I in the window of a historic building

Marshall being goofy with a sculpture

Shirts for sale by a vendor on Olvera Street

Oh and also...

February 14th, 2009

2011-02-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

On Valentine's Day two years ago, my life was changed by a handsome young man who jumped over a wall at Baskin Robbins and into my life.I know that's cheesy to say, but I don't really care. I mean, what is this day for except being cheesy? And it's true. You can read all about that day here, but I will say that that day marked a huge change for me and the way I lived and thought of myself and my life. I am so blessed that I have found the love of my life.

Happy 2 year anniversary babe, I love you more than anything!

I'll write all about our anniversary celebration at a later date. I had some cute pictures to throw in here, but blogger isn't liking them... so, sorry about the blandness of the post!

I don't know what it is.

2011-02-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

The great, relaxing, rejuvenating weekend I just had?

The endorphins from my awesome workout?

The knowledge that I am going to a fantastic school and have an incredible job and have an expansive future spreading out ahead of me?

The fact that I have the best friends in the world?

The fact that I am deeply loved by the most wonderful man in the world, and our 2 year anniversary is in a week?

The joy of feeling confident spiritually again?

I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I am riding a joyous high right now.

Quick (Cheesy) Tip

2011-01-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

I'm finding that a good way to feel happier and better in general is to spread positivity. Tell someone you love them just because you feel like it, give someone a compliment, help someone out, or give someone a chance who you normally wouldn't. You just might get some positivity back, directly or indirectly.

Self love.

2011-01-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

Even though this whole losing weight thing is hard, physically, mentally, emotionally and otherwise, I have to say that it feels really good to get up in the morning and put on a pair of size 6 pants that fit better every day. I don't generally like to post about my specific weight, because I don't think that's important, but I just had to share a little of my triumph with you all.

Knowing that I have made this much progress gives me hope for the future. I am optimistic that I will continue to lose weight, get healthy, and be happy with what I see in the mirror.

I am going to do this. I am going to conquer this. I have set my goals, and I will reach them. Healthily. Happily. I promise I will love myself on every step of this journey.

New Semester

2011-01-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

It feels good to be starting a new semester. I'm actually excited about my classes... and about becoming the best I can be this semester.

I'm going to be healthier. I will exercise more and eat better.

I will fight with Marshall less, and be a better girlfriend.

I will be a better friend; I will make new friends and spend more time with the ones I have.

I will write more.

I will play more music.

I will explore more.

I will take more pictures.

I will be a great student.

I will learn to love myself better. ♥

Yellow Bird

2011-01-14T23:51:00.000-08:00

I used to be a huge Bright Eyes fan. I still am, but back in the day, Conor Oberst's music was like a religion to me. One of my favorite songs of theirs was "Poison Oak," from the album "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning." I think that song is so lovely, so heart rending, and so honest and powerful. I personally believe it is about the death of a loved one, but like most Bright Eyes songs, it is left open for interpretation, a quality I always loved in their music. There is one line that always made my heart swell when I heard it:

"And I never thought this life was possible. You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for."

Earlier in the album, on the track "We Are Nowhere And It's Now," the idea of a yellow bird is mentioned as well. Interesting. It seems (to me, I could be very wrong) to be the singer's true love, the one that was always brighter than the rest.

Every time I heard this line, "You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for," it would nearly bring tears to my eyes. More than anything, I wanted to be someone's yellow bird. I wanted to find my yellow bird. There were times in my life when everything felt dark, when I had little to no hope of a better future. My heart was broken. I didn't know where to go or where to even start when it came to rebuilding my life and learning to love myself and allow someone else to love me. That line gave me hope that someday, the impossible would happen. My waiting would pay off.

Well, I'm here now to tell you that it did. To quote that great poet, Buddy the Elf, "I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" I think that everyone longs for one big thing in life: For the waiting to be worth it. Waiting to grow up, to learn, to grow, for things to get better, to make friends, to fall in love. And it is worth it. Time can do so many wonderful things; God has so many wonderful plans.

My love, you have taught my heart to soar and to sing. You are the yellow bird I've been waiting for.

Picture found here.

Just some thoughts

2011-01-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

I'm very proud of this photo.

#1: I'm proud that my boyfriend is so darn good looking.

#2: I love all the detail and the composition.

Just thought I would share it with you guys.

On a much lower note, I've been praying my little heart out for Lori of Random Ramblings of a SAHM. She lost her husband this week, but her light hasn't gone out or even dimmed... she is truly amazing. My heart breaks for her and for her children, but they couldn't be blessed with a better momma. Also in my prayers is my cousin Kaity and her boyfriend, James. James' mother passed away suddenly last night, and I can't even imagine what they're going through right now. Please say a little prayer for Lori, James, and James' family tonight (or today, depending on where you are).

I start school a week from tomorrow, and while I'm excited to go back, I wish I could just stop moving forward for a little while. I'm not so sure I like growing up.

Room

2011-01-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Emma Donoghue's Room, and I was absolutely amazed. It was poignant, unique, and insightful, and it inspired a wide range of emotions in me. Once I started it, I could not stop.

From the inside flap:

To five-year-old Jack, Room is the world. It's where he was born, it's where he and his Ma eat and sleep and play and learn. There are endless wonders that let loose Jack's imagination - the snake under Bed that he constructs out of eggshells, the imaginary world projected through TV, the coziness of Wardrobe below Ma's clothes, where she tucks him in safely at night in case Old Nick comes.

Room is home to Jack, but to Ma it's the prison where she has been held since she was nineteen - for seven years. Through her fierce love for her son, she has created a life for him in that eleven-by-eleven-foot space. But Jack's curiosity is building alongside her own desperation - and she knows that Room cannot contain either much longer.

Though the story is told through they eyes of Jack, Donoghue managed to express the feelings of both mother and child and how each related to Room. Their relationship is both inspiring and uncomfortable at times, and anything that happens to Jack's Ma is filtered through his pure and innocent love and concern for her. This novel was one of the most interesting and fascinating books I have ever read, and I would recommend it to anyone. Some may find Jack's voice dull or difficult to read, but I found it realistic, different, and ultimately very powerful. It really examines the relationship between mother and son, what it is that makes us human, and how much "Outside" really effects who we are as people.

Obligatory Recap

2011-01-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

2010 was really not that eventful. For me, it was a year of getting my ish together.

I rang in the New Year in Spokane, Washington at my aunt and uncle's house. Believe it or not, it was my first New Year's kiss.

In February, I went motorcycle riding and Marshall and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary.

In March, we had a family reunion in Pismo with my dad's side of the family.

In April, more motorcycles, and my best friend got her first tattoo!!

In May, I finished my first year of college, and received the news that I'd made a 3.8 GPA for the second semester. I made the Dean's List! It was the first time saying goodbye to new friends, though.

In June, I got my first dSLR camera -- the Canon EOS Rebel XS. I also got a job as a summer camp counselor.

In July, we went to Independence, as always, and I took my first camping trip with Marshall's family to Mammoth Pools! (Not my first camping trip ever, just my first with the Laminens.)

In August, my family visited from Washington, we had a memorial for my uncle's father in Morro Bay, and one of my photos won an honorable mention in the Ventura County Fair.

In September, it was back to school!

In October, I celebrated my 19th birthday... and got the camera of my dreams, the Canon EOS Rebel T2i! And we pumpkin picked, of course.

In November, we celebrated two Thanksgivings, one with my mom's side and one with my dad's.

In December, I finished another semester, went back to work as a PAID intern, and had a wonderful Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year's Eve with friends and family.

That's my sister, my brother and me on Christmas Eve.

The year went by so fast. The scary thing is that I'm sure 2011 will go be even faster. I'm going to do my best to enjoy ever minute of it, and hopefully it will be just as wonderful as 2010.

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

I wish all of you a prosperous New Year! I hope your holidays were wonderful.

My New Year's Resolution?

BLOG MORE.

Eat less.

GYM MORE.

Laze less.

STUDY MORE.

That's about it. I'm sorry about the lack of blogging... as always, I've been busy, busy, busy. But now that the holidays are over, I'm counting on having a little more down time. I have had time to tumblr, though.

What are your New Year's resolutions?

I am tired

2010-11-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

of being a "lady." Of holding in my aggression and always being the nice, benign, self-effacing, gracious young mademoiselle. I'm over it. I feel like screaming and cursing at all the immaturity in the world. Like giving a big, fat "eff you," to a truckload of people right now.

My mom always calls me a barbarian; it's our little joke because sometimes I burp out loud or make weird noises or annoy people on purpose. But I feel like I've lost that boisterous part of me, like I'm being scared into my shell by people who just want to make themselves feel better, and I hate it.

I am being worn down to the point of losing myself. I am tired. And I hate this.

All I can say is that Thanksgiving is really something to be thankful for this year.

Bookish

2010-11-22T20:29:00.000-08:00

An ordinary man can... surround himself with two thousand books... and thenceforward have at least one place in the world in which it is possible to be happy. ~Augustine Birrell

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. ~Groucho Marx

A book must be an ice-axe to break the seas frozen inside our soul. ~Franz Kafka

The walls of books around him, dense with the past, formed a kind of insulation against the present world and its disasters. ~Ross MacDonald

To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life. ~W. Somerset Maugham

Update

2010-11-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

Soooo, my laptop is broken. Which is why I haven't been blogging.

If I had something important to write about I certainly would, but I don't. I hope it's not too much to ask, but please pray for me. I really need a boost to help get me through these last month till the end of the semester. Thanks.

Dear Santa,

2010-11-10T14:39:00.000-08:00

I know you're really busy taking gifts to little children all over the world, but if you get a chance, here are some things I'd like to see under my tree this year...

1. A car. Not necessarily this yellow Corvette Stingray, but something that can get me to Camarillo and back a few times a week. But the Stingray is pretty hot. (pic from here)

2. A bulldog. I know I have nowhere to keep her, but maybe you could throw in an apartment that allows pets and is close to school along with the deal. I promise I'd treat her right! (pic from here)

3. THIS Canon Macro Lens, please.

4. This dress.

Or, pretty much any dress from from. www.pinupgirlclothing.com would suffice. Like... these two.

5. THIS Canon fisheye lens. Or any fisheye lens would be pretty awesome.

6. To have my students loans paid off.

I think that's a pretty modest list, don't you, Santa?

What is your not-so-attainable wish list this Christmas?

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2010-11-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

Check out the wonderful woman I borrow this meme from weekly....

HEY! It's Okay...

...to wear a helmet when you're riding a bike. Seriously, I'd rather look like a dork than be that dead girl who the newspaper talks about, saying, "She would have survived if she had just worn a helmet."

...to change your minor from music to sociology. It's not that big of a jump. Ha.

...to want to drop out of school because you know that come registration time Wednesday at 7:30 you won't get into any of the classes you want because the stupid juniors and seniors stole all of them and there are too many darn Psych majors at CLU!!!!

...to want to curl up and die every time you think about the fact that you have to take Finite Mathematics next semester.

...to hate talking on the phone. Passionately. Almost as much as you hate the thought of Finite Mathematics.

...to think hair dying is the best roomie bonding ever.

Good news!

2010-11-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

Marshall's grandma is back at home! We are still waiting on outpatient tests, but it is such a huge blessing and improvement that she is able to walk, eat, and otherwise function on her own and without ventilators or IV's.

Thank you so much to everyone who prayed and thought of her... knowing that your support was there not only helped her through this, but helped all of us who love and care about her. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. You rock. If you feel so inclined, please keep the prayers and thoughts coming as we start the journey to figuring out what exactly the problems are and how to solve them!

As if I really needed a reminder, God is so great, and the power of family and friends is so underestimated.

Prayers Please

2010-11-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a blurry couple of days. Marshall's grandma is in the hospital after she had a series of seizures on Wednesday night. After yesterday, she is responsive and conscious and talking to us, and that's a huge blessing after what we all went through on Wednesday night.

Nikki is such an active, loving, spunky woman, and it's been hard for all of us to see her like this, not knowing what will happen next or what the root cause of all this is other than some vague medical terms that we, honestly, don't really understand the meaning or magnitude of. Please keep her in your thoughts or prayers, whatever it is you do. Please pray for clear-headed doctors, strength in our numbers and strength and endurance for Marshall's wonderful Grammy.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

2010-11-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like it was just Tuesday. Where in the world does all the time go???

I got this idea from Whispering Writer... and she's a lot funnier than me, so you should go check her out!

*GOSSIP GIRL SPOILER ALERT*

HEY, It's Okay...

...to take pictures of random things on campus. Like mushrooms. Just because people look at you weird doesn't necessarily mean it is weird... right?

...if you and your friends freak out and start screaming "YES!" when Chuck and Blair finally got it on in last night's Gossip Girl. It's about gosh darn time.

...to be a college student and also against the legalization of marijuana in California. No on 19, California voters!!!!

...to be loving this random surge of warm weather in November.

...to have an addiction to Amazon and buying used books. And an addiction to reading said books.

...to be stoked for the new Harry Potter movie! But not stoked enough to buy advance tickets like some of your friends.

...to just want Thanksgiving to be here already. Come on.

I knew you in the womb.

2010-11-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

“I know you. I’ve known you my whole life. I’ve been waiting. Waiting for you to make an appearance. Waiting all these years.

I knew you in the womb.

...he knew, at that moment, that he’d be coming back from the war. He’d be coming back because the gods didn’t align the stars so you could meet the other half of your soul and then take her away from you.”

-Dennis Lehane, Shutter Island

I've never read a book with such a heartrending ending. If you've seen the movie, the book is just like it, but sadder.

What do you say? Is this feeling pure fiction? Have you met "the one"? Did you know right away that he/she was "the one"?

I don't know what to write without sounding cheesy, so I won't write anything, but I'll let this quote sit with you. I hope its power over you is as strong as it was over me.

MTV, What Have You Done to Me?

2010-10-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm more than a little obsessed with this song.

I am an American, and I am proud, but like anyone else, I don't want to be judged by what the people before me have done... "I don't want to live in my father's house no more."

Maybe that's just my interpretation of the song. That the singer doesn't want to live in his father's shadow, he doesn't want to live the same life as his father, buying into the culture. I could be way off, but isn't that the glory of music?

This generation needs help, and I'm starting to realize it more every day. I'm not sure what the answer is, and I'm not sure where to start. I'm very confused in this world, and more than a little lost.

"But I feel very small, and very uprooted, and well -- desperate. The enemy is so strong and terrible." - Frodo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring

I've never been the one with the big convictions and the desire to change the world. I tend to see the smaller picture; though I wish I was the mountain-moving type. I suppose we need both types in the world. Maybe that's why I want to be a psychologist... helping out one person at a time.

Something about this song just turned something in my heart. We are supposed to be changing the world... and I don't feel like we are.

"MTV, what have you done to me?"

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2010-10-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

Brought to you, as always, by the fabulous Whispering Writer.

Hey, It's Okay...

...to know this week will be better than the last simply because rehearsals for the Christmas concert start. Christmas music trumps singing in Russian, sorry Rachmaninoff.

...to develop on addiction to Tumblr even though you already have a blog. Whatever, I can't say no to another chance to write and post photos. I am that self-absorbed.

...to be easily won over by flattery. Especially when it comes to grammar.

...to wake up at 8:40 for your 9:00 Body Conditioning class. One of the joys of living on campus.

...to be a nerd and to reread The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

... to be scared sometimes.

What's OK for you this week?

Playing Pollyanna

2010-10-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

It seems like today's culture is always trying to pit girls and women against each other. Men can respect each other and get along, but women are fated to be jealous and catty. With things like the popularity of movies like "Mean Girls," (a movie I love and see the truth in as well) and the glamorization (and sexualization) of the "cat fight," it's clear what we, as women, are supposed to be.

I think there needs to be a movement to overthrow this idea, because it is so easy to subscribe to. If everyone could just take a minute to say something nice, not fake, but genuinely nice to someone they felt jealous of or threatened by for whatever reason, it might make a big difference. I know these things can mask themselves as general dislike, but I think in most cases we all know deep down what's really going on.

Maybe that's just the Pollyanna in me talking. But it's actually a pretty good feeling. Scary, and difficult, but in the end, very encouraging. Because underneath every girl that you feel is smarter, prettier, more popular, better-dressed, funnier, more talented, or just plain better than you, is a girl with her own insecurities and a potential friend with a lot to offer.

We could be helping each other and loving each other instead of trying to pull each other down all the time. Isn't that a beautiful thought?

Do something hard. Do something scary. Be nice.

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."
Lao-Tzu

Dear Taylor Swift,

2010-10-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

I cannot deny that your song "You Belong With Me" is really catchy. I love to sing it while I'm in the car with my friends. But I have a few things to say to you.

#1. How well do you know this guy's girlfriend? Really? Don't you think it's a little shallow to judge her just because she wears high heels and short skirts? You know not all cheerleaders are what you think, and having school spirit and being a talented gymnast doesn't necessarily make her a bad person.

#2. How much do you really know about their relationship? Everyone fights in relationships and goes through rough patches. That doesn't necessarily mean they're not meant to be together. How do you know that, "something that [he] said" wasn't actually offensive and that she actually had the right to go off on him? Hmmm? AND, even if she's not the right one for him, how do you know YOU are? Why do you even like a guy who, according to you, has such poor taste in women? If she's really that bad, don't you think he's a little shallow for dating her just because she wears short skirts and high heels.

#3. FINALLY, don't you realize that if he does eventually dump his girlfriend in order to be with you, chances are more than likely that he will dump YOU for someone else. Haven't you ever heard the saying, "If he'll do it for you, he'll do it to you?" WELL IT'S TRUE. Take it from me.

So guess what? This guy has a GIRLFRIEND. Back off and find someone available, and better, while you're still young enough to do so.

Also, I think you're really cute and that you handle fame extraordinarily well.

Love,

Claire

The Latest and Greatest

2010-10-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

I detest dieting. It makes me angry and moody and altogether volatile. Unfortunately, as a busy college student with you know, homework and a life, I can't spend 12 hours a day in the gym making it OK for me to eat as much as I want. Actually, I'm pretty sure no amount of hours a day in the gym would make that OK. I love food way too much.

BUT... this whole 1200 calories a day diet thing is actually kind of working for me. I feel good when I stick to it and it allows me to spend a manageable amount of time in the gym. I was going twice a day for awhile, but it was just too much. I got tired and burnt out and plus, I just do not have time for it.

Trying to lose weight is difficult. It's really easy (at least for me) to let it run away with me and let it bring me down to the point where all I'm doing is hating and criticizing myself and weighing in and working out. When I do lose weight, it's an awesome feeling. And I know that I am on my way to loving myself for myself, and being happy and healthy. I just hope I don't have to beat myself up too much along the way.

WHICH is why I'm endorsing this 1200 calorie diet. Added with a fair amount of gym time, it pretty much feels like normal life, just a little... less so.

Does anyone else have this problem where dieting destroys their self esteem? Is it just me and my ridiculous pride? Any hints, tips or tricks on how to get through it?

Education in Jeopardy

2010-10-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

I completed my last midterm today!!!!!! And while it was quite a doozy, I'm pretty sure I kicked butt. It's a nice feeling.

I have been working uncharacteristically hard this semester. It's like I'm an adult or something. Weird. I guess school is important, even though sometimes it feels trés inutile.

But, as my former roommate Laura put it in French class today, this whole college thing could eventually earn me some money!

Like, if I'm on Jeopardy, and the answer is "Flemish Renaissance composer" I'll know that the question is "Who is Josquin des Prez?"

Or, "The ratio between nitrogen and phosphorous required for phytoplankton productivity," I'll know to say, "What is 7 to 1?"

"French word for grapefruit,"? I am more than prepared. "What is pamplemousse?"

It's OK, Cal Lu, you know I'm just being snarky.

I would never go on Jeopardy.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2010-10-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't done one of these in awhile. Brought to you by the wonderful Whispering Writer.

Hey It's Okay...

to consider ditching class on the grounds of, "It's raining, and everyone should be in bed."

to realize that this logic is totally ridiculous, because if it were true, no one in Seattle would get an education.

to consider your diet void because it's your birthday week.

to use Gossip Girl as your only Monday motivator.

to get so excited about an unrelated idea that you absolutely cannot focus in Jesus in Film and History.

to have the cranberry goat cheese log from Trader Joe's on your top ten list of favorite things about the holidays... and be glad that TJ's stocks up in October!

that your whole class of college students, as well as the professor, can't focus in class when it's raining and thundering and flashing lightning outside. That's Southern California for you.

to keep your eyes open for a new project coming from the brain of Claire Marie... Heehee!

Eyes

2010-10-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming increasingly addicted to life behind the camera.

As a psych major, I want to know what this says about me.

That I would rather observe than interact?

I don't think so. I feel more thrust into situations than removed from them. To the middle of the bowl at the skate park, to the front of the room, closer to the action.

That I like to remember?

Absolutely. My memories are my most prized possessions. There is so much future in the past.

That I see beauty in details?

They're important. It's important to carry a macro as well as a wide-angle lens, though.

That I want to see things in many different ways?

Perhaps.

Photography is my quiet contribution. Music is my loud contribution. Both are just ways of sharing my point of view, and I can't decide which I like better. The good thing is, for now, I don't have to.

I revamped my flickr. I'm gonna put a link on my sidebar somewhere too. Be sure to give it a whirl.

With music, with photos, with words... I just want to share.

Birthday

2010-10-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

I turned 19 on Wednesday!

Life is feeling like some kind of wonderful. Everything is falling back into place. To live is such a blessing, and I let myself forget that far too often.

I had a fantastic birthday surrounded by beautiful people, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Unfortunately, also on my birthday, a friend of a friend was killed in action in Afghanistan. A young man with a family, friends, a girlfriend waiting for him at home. While I was busy having fun with people I love, he was busy defending this country and the people that he loves.

In a way, this man I didn't even know gave me the best birthday gift of all... the gift of freedom and the gift of truth. The truth is that life is happening right now, and it doesn't stop for anyone. Today could change the rest of your life. The ones we love aren't going to be here forever, whether they are 90 or 19. Sometimes there isn't a lot you can do but live, breathe, and pray.

Thanks for everything, Joe. I never knew you and now I never will, but you are brave and you are wonderful. We share a date now, the anniversary of your sacrifice with the anniversary of my birth. It's not fair, not even a little bit, but I feel connected to you now in a way that could only be a work of God.

God is mysterious. He reminds us of the important things in strange ways.

You have to choose to accept the signs.

The Best Thing For Being Sad

2010-10-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

“The best thing for being sad... is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting."

-- From The Once and Future King by T.H. White

C'est La Vie

2010-10-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I played an open mic last night with Marshall and Nicholas, and it was a lot of fun and highly successful. I sort of forgot what applause felt like. It feels good. There will always be a part of me that yearns for the stage, even while my shyness suffocates me. There will always be a part that knows I'm good at what I do, and that is afraid to waste it.

Went out to breakfast with my two of my favorite ladies, and got a Pumpkin bagel from Noah's. We saw a giant St. Bernard and more than a few cute little kids.

I'm learning to love riding a bike again, like I did when I was younger. It's so ridiculously liberating, like flying. In fact, I think I'm going to go right now, and see what there is to see.

I'm disappearing into books quite a bit this semester. Next on my list is the Lord of the Rings trilogy, again. I'm hoping to get a little more out of them than I did in 6th grade.

I need to start blogging again!

Wanderlust

2010-10-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

Definition:

1. Noun: An awesome blog by an awesome woman.

2. Noun: A thing that I feel right now.

I need something new!

Possessing a camera makes me antsy, makes me want to see new things. Maybe I need to start looking at the ordinary in a different way... isn't that what makes a good photographer?

My feet are frustrated, and so is my mind. I feel like a baby whose growth is being stunted due to lack of stimulation.

Marshall is about to start applying for jobs at a few ambulance companies as an EMT; he passed his test and got his license to drive an ambulance today! I'm so excited for him and proud of him... and a little jealous. I want to work. I want to experience.

Maybe I'll apply for a job at Trader Joe's. Haha.

I just can't shake this feeling that I don't fit in. Whether that's my fault or the world's is another question. Whether I want to fit in or not is, too.

Or will I ever find a place that I really do.

It's so adolescent, so immature, makes me feel so weak and silly.

I love Marshall because he is stubborn, like me. He doesn't feel the need to fit in, and he isn't like anyone else. He has his beliefs and that's it. It doesn't matter what the popular thing to do is. He's strong. Sometimes I feel like I'm not. But it's oddly reassuring to know that he gets lonely, too. Good thing we have each other. Good thing there's always love.

It's hard to not let my frustration get the best of me. To not take it out on others.

Maybe something's gonna change.

"Sometimes, I can't help but feeling that I'm living a life of illusion..."

I confess...

2010-09-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

I am at a low point. But I am also at the point of refusing to stay here, of taking charge of my own life. Of being honest and open.

I am fairly sure that at some point, and usually many points, everyone feels fat, lonely, unwanted, awkward, etc.... and knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel a little better.

The Bible makes me feel better.

John 15:19 "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."

If I was the type to get tattoos, I would get that tattooed somewhere where I would see it every single day. So that every night I spent alone, every time I felt left out, every time I was made to feel stupid or immature or "uncool" I would have that reminder.

I would get the word "Hallelujah" tattooed somewhere to remind me that no matter what happens there will be rejoicing. There is something to be gained from every situation, every lost love, every broken heart.

Finally, I would get the phrase, "This too shall pass" tattooed on my skin. That phrase alone got me through stomach aches and deep despair in high school. As someone wise once said, "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, and all is well." "This too shall pass" has been my mantra through the hardest times, and you know what... it did. Pass, that is.

These things are tattooed on my heart, and more permanent than ink under my skin.

Something has to change, and that something is me. I will not be defeated. I will not be brought down. I will keep on going.

This too shall pass.

Hallelujah, hallelujah.

Happy Birthday

2010-09-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

I can't honestly say that I regret a thing.

I can't honestly say that I miss you.

I can honestly say that I wish you the best, and I pray for you often.

Together we were legend, and it felt unstoppable. Apart we are free to be ourselves.

I'm more than aware that you don't approve of my decisions. You may not be aware that I don't approve of yours. I'm not holding a grudge, I won't say it was all your fault, but you didn't try hard enough. Maybe I didn't either. Our friendship just wasn't strong enough to sail these stormy seas.

We weren't meant to keep living in each others shadows. And now we're shining, each in her own way.

Happy birthday. Have a wonderful year; I hope you find yourself in ways that I know you haven't yet. I know neither of us has yet.

I'd still raise a glass to our former best-friendship.

Good Boyfriends Know,,,

2010-09-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

...that most the time all it really takes is a night drive to nowhere and a chai tea latte to make a girl feel better.

Playing that Emerson, Lake and Palmer song with the porno wah that always makes her laugh doesn't hurt either.

They know that holding her hand when she's crying and telling her you love her is more than enough. That validating her feelings is all she really needs to know that it's going to be okay.

"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend,
lucky to have been where I have been,
lucky to be coming home again."

"It's like I have a 5th sense..." *

2010-09-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I think I want to be a psychologist/therapist is because I feel (I wouldn't call it a fact) that I can read people very well.

When I listen to my friends/family members talk I can usually make an accurate guess as to who they'll develop feelings for before they are aware of those feelings. I can generally tell when it's a good time to talk, and when it's better to leave a door shut. I can anticipate someone's actions or words. A lie will rarely make it past me; whether I choose to acknowledge it or not is a different issue.

I'm not psychic, I just pay attention. I just understand.

I also think that's one of the reasons I keep a small circle of close friends.

I pick up on when people are not being genuine very quickly. Not only when they're being false to me, but false to themselves. I don't necessarily blame them for not knowing who they are, but it grates on me after awhile, being around someone who is fake or who acts a certain way to reach a certain end, especially to get more attention or sympathy. I can tell. I just have a good feel for people's motivations and feelings, the inner workings of their brains.

This is not to say that I've never been wrong about someone. I have. But I've been right, too. I've been right a lot.

Because of this, I'm picky about friends. Pickier about romances. Someone who has all the negative qualities in the world but is true to him or herself is more respectable to me than someone who is false.

Don't get me wrong; I will give someone a chance to prove him or herself to me. I have gut feelings and first impressions but I won't hold it against you forever. Heck, I once ended up dating a guy whose first impression left me absolutely convinced that he was the biggest douche bag I'd ever met. Well, I was right about that one for the most part. I didn't say I always made good choices.

I get grumpy when people don't take my advice; I can't help it. That's how I show my love, offering my input. I have a friend, a younger friend, who is in complete denial of her feelings. I can see that she is going in a certain direction, going to have certain feelings and going to get hurt by them, and I know when that happens I am going to hear all about it. You don't know how much willpower it takes to keep those four words that everyone hates to hear from running out of my mouth.

Rejection is frustrating. Watching ones you love and care about get hurt is frustrating. At the end of the day, some days, I just want to get up on my highest horse and scream out, "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

Does that make me self-righteous? Judgmental? Probably. I'm just as flawed as the next person.

So yeah, rambling blog. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. What do you think? Am I giving myself too much credit? Can everybody see these things? Am I totally out of line? Let's have a dialogue.

'

*Obligatory "Mean Girls" quote. Best movie ever.

What do Californians dream of on "such a winter's day"?

2010-09-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking yes.

Aloha, y'all. =)

2010-09-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

I believe in love.

In breathlessness, in romance, in commitment, in arguing, in jealousy, in butting heads, in beauty, in faith, in hope.

But above all of these, love.

I want to take risks and think about today instead of tomorrow. Enjoy what I have and stop questioning.

I am too insecure. That's a fact.

Reminder.

2010-09-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Whining might be a past-time that I enjoy too often. Complaining about having 4 classes or about forgetting my key in my room or that the weather's too cold/hot and the air conditioning doesn't work, blah blah blah. If I knew me, I would slap me in the face and call me a spoiled brat.

I can't stand all the songs on the radio telling me to live life to the fullest, live like you're dying, all that stuff. I always feel that it's so cliche and overused.

But it's true.

You could lose everything in an instant.

You could fall asleep next to the person you've loved and started a life with and then wake up one morning to find them gone.

How do we make such stupid mistakes? How do we become so complacent that we forget to thank God for the glory of the day, rainy or sunny, long or short? How do we call it love when we neglect to appreciate the simple qualities in those closest to us and take them so for granted?

When did life become a play whose lines we over-studied, our performances word-for-word but lacking emotion?

I wish all I had to say was, "I'm not waiting for my life to start, I'm going to live like I'm dying!" I'm not dying. Patience, temperance, abstinence and selflessness are still virtues, at least to me they are. How does one choose between living responsibly and living fully? How do you define either of those terms?

I'm going to work out more, I'm going to take my vitamins, I'm going to spend more time with my friends and family, I'm going to fight with my boyfriend less, I'm going to travel, I'm going to enjoy my classes, I'm going to do my homework, I'm going to make new friends, I'm going to be more confident, I'm going to write more music, I'm going to develop my skills, I'm going to be proactive, I'm going to dance more, I'm going to laugh more, I'm going to try new things and most of all I'm going to live.

Not like I'm dying, like I'm living. Like every day is not the last day, but the best day. Normalcy can be beautiful. But there's no reason to settle for it.

My prayers and thoughts are with a friend from church who lost his wife unexpectedly last night. I hope his family finds peace soon.

Opening

2010-09-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been scared, but not realized it? Quiet without reason?

I never realized how much loving and losing could take out of you. They sing, write, talk, paint, mourn about romantic love, but what about the other stuff? The simpler stuff.

It's hard to learn to love again. It's hard to not be shamed by the things in your past, to not be run by your insecurities and fears, to open up your mouth and talk the way you used to, uninhibited and silly, open to relating to someone that way.

It's all new. I guess at some point you have to start over, especially when you're allergic to stagnancy.

Let it shine, little by little, let it shine.

Sometimes

2010-08-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

I feel that my life is defined by the word "Sometimes."

Sometimes I am shy, but other times I am outgoing.
Sometimes I am joyful, other times I am melancholy.
Sometimes I am honest, sometimes I hide.
Sometimes I am spiritual, other times I am of the world.

Sometimes I'm a musician.
Sometimes I'm a photographer.
Sometimes I'm lazy.

Sometimes I am confident. Or maybe I am the scum of the earth.
Maybe today I will be friendly.
Or maybe today I will be jaded and silent.

I am so non-committal, it has to be unhealthy. I want to be undefinable... and yet I want to be defined by something.

Strictly the Facts

2010-08-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

Fact #1: I'm currently lying in bed in my new dorm room.
Fact #2: I loooove my new space.
Fact #3: I will post pictures soon!
Fact #4: My roomies rock.
Fact #5: It feels so good to be back.
Fact #6: Classes start on Wednesday.
Fact #7: I'm really tired (Surprise).
Fact #8: I am SO EXCITED about this semester.

Update!

2010-08-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

Hi!

I'm done with my Kids Konnection job. Which means... more blogging! I return to school on Saturday, and I've never been so excited!

I am also exhausted. I'm willing to put money on the fact that I'll come down with some kind of illness within the next two weeks, though I'll do what I can to prevent it.

My dad won't let me buy the car off him... I'm terribly disappointed. It's either a lot of bus riding or no job for me.

This summer has been... really, really busy. Rewarding in many ways, but I'm kind of glad it's over. Does that make me a grown up?

Yikes

2010-08-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

Cleaning - CHECK.
Birthday shopping for Marshall - CHECK.
Plan for tomorrow - CHECK.
Mental preparation for the coming week - ????????

We take 34 kids to a theme park tomorrow with Kids Konnection.
After that, I leave to meet Marshall when he comes out of the Sierras on Saturday.
As of Monday there will be 13 people sleeping in my house.
My friend Emily from Washington will also be in town.
The fair is also in town.
I am also working 32 hours next week.

Excited? Yes. Overwhelmed? Absolutely.

Isn't it beautiful?

Just A Thought

2010-08-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

"For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth."

- Kahlil Gibran, from "The Prophet"

Photo property of Miss Carly Olsen

Life is...

2010-08-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

Terrifying.

But ultimately, I think...

Satisfying.

Photos property of Claire Winters

OK I'm a loser.

2010-07-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am so bad at blogging during the summer. There are just so many adventures to be had!!!

Today, my friends and I tried to go to a hot air balloon festival, but the hot air balloons had taken off and wouldn't be back until the evening. So we left and did some dorm shopping... I am SO excited for the fall semester.

Marshall is on a 50 mile hike in the Sierras this week... I miss him so much! Next weekend is his birthday, and I'm going to meet him in Independence when they come out of the hike... it's going to be fun!

I've been working. A lot.

I would love to blog. I miss it. I can't make any promises, but I believe I'll get back in the swing when school starts again. We'll see. I might be working + school, so I might not have time. But we'll see.

I'm trying to buy a car. And a new cell phone. And Marshall's birthday presents. So believe me, I need to work. Being an adult seriously sucks sometimes. But I kind of love it, too. I'm so excited about the future, and I'm enjoying every day. Sometimes I feel that I was meant to be an adult, that I've always been bursting out of a child's body and that I'm coming into my prime. That sounds presumptuous, like I'm claiming to be more mature than the average person or something, and that's not my intent at all...

But maybe that's wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to feel at home in my skin at any age, and the problem is me. Maybe I look to the future for solace when the answer is here and now. Because even now sometimes I feel that I am simply too old for my age.

I'm happy, though. I know who I am. I think.

But who does, anyway?

Dear My Lovely Blog Friends,

2010-06-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am SO SORRY. I know I haven't blogged in forever. You wouldn't believe how busy I've been. Interning on Monday mornings and then working Tuesday-Friday all day!!! I'm a grown-up, it's so weird.

Luckily for you, I'm at jury duty right now, and I have all the time and free wi-fi in the world to update you guys on what's been going on.

My life pretty much consists of:

Making sure kids grades K-8 don't kill themselves at summer camp
Staff meetings
Interning
Taking pictures as often as possible
Making and eating food
Sleeping
Working out a little bit
Seeing Marshall and as many friends as I can squeeze in
Thinking about ALL OF YOU and how much I MISS BLOGGING.

Also, I got CPR certified, went jogging of my own volition for the first time, like, ever, had some family friends from Nevada visit, went to a party for my childhood friend who's going into the air force, baked chicken for the first time, and am planning on traveling a ton in July. OK, not a ton. But I'll be away for fourth of July weekend, then camping with Marshall's family the 11th to the 17th. And we are trying to plan a trip to Missouri in August... we'll see what happens!

I love love love love LOVE working at Kid's Konnection. The kids are absolutely darling. Sure, they have their difficult, bratty, messy, frustrating, etc. moments, but as a whole, I love each and every one of them to death. Actually, I haven't been to work since Friday and I miss them and can't wait to see them tomorrow. Even though I have to wake up early, it always feels good when you show up and a bunch of little kids go, "Miss Claire's here, Miss Claire's here!"

I really want to start blogging more about the hilarity that goes on at camp. I'm going to try, scout's honor. Also, after this, I'll be heading over to my food blog to tell you about an AWESOME meal we made.

Life is just so good right now. I'm enjoying every second of it. Trying to, at least.

I WILL be back. I promise. Love to all of you!

Christmas in June

2010-06-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

This morning, I jolted awake at 6:30 in a flurry of excitement. Knowing that I would only have to wait longer if I was awake, I forced myself (Well, not really. I was pretty tired.) to go back to sleep.

Then, I woke up at 9:30 and went on a walk to keep myself occupied and control my excitement! Marshall and I went to his best friend's high school graduation at 1, keeping me further distracted from the excitement bursting from all of my pores.

Upon our return to Marshall's house, I leaped out of the car at the realization that Santa (UPS) had finally visited!!! On his front porch in a brown cardboard box, all wrapped up in bubble wrap and boxes was my shiny, beautiful, brand spanking new...

CANON REBEL XS!!!!

I finally got it!!! And oh my, my, it is WONDERFUL.

Here are some shots that I took today that I love:

Marshall goofing off for his "portrait."
Marshall's younger brother Samuel performing skateboard tricks.
Marshall's next door neighbor Paul doing some kind of trick on his skateboard. I'm not down with the lingo.

I'm in love. Photography is quickly becoming as much of a passion for me as music is... and I'm so excited. Oh, and, I just crossed another thing off my 20 before 20 list! Go me!

I am seriously ecstatic right now. It's taking all the will power I possess not to be running around taking pictures of everything in the house. Tomorrow, however, is another day.

Happy Friday in advance!!!!

PS ALL PICTURES PROPERTY OF CLAIRE WINTERS

Wash Me Away

2010-06-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am always making resolutions... but I don't think that's bad. I think it's healthy to be in a constant state of ebb and flow; to work towards improving one's self on a daily basis and never to rest.

I want to write more songs. I want to be more organized. I want to exercise more. I want to be more exciting.

I want to fight with Marshall less. My number one goal right now is remembering that we play for the same team and that fighting only hurts us. Life is too short.

I really need prayers right now... prayers that I can get rid of my pride and learn how to cooperate. Prayers that I can learn the difference between times when I need to stick to my guns and times when I need to lay down my arms.

I'm getting a haircut tomorrow... I know it's silly, but I always feel like a new haircut is a good place to start. When I was younger, every time I broke up with a boyfriend I would cut and/or dye my hair. It's a way of showing that I can be different, I can be beautiful, and I am me no matter what form I take. Then, I was struggling a lot with my identity, and though I am more secure now, I am still open to change. For a girl who's grown up by the beach I can be pretty dense sometimes...

Tides are beautiful.
Waves are powerful.

Wash me away.

Climbing

2010-06-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

Guess who's crossing stuff of her twenty before twenty list?

You guessed it.

Me!

I rock climbed! On a real rock! OK so I was terrified and I didn't make it to the top. That ish is WAY harder than climbing on a rock climbing wall. Because that rock was NOT made for me to climb it.

Plus, I was really scared because there are critters hiding in the crevices that I'm supposed to stick my hand in. It didn't help that I found this guy while hiking around:

Sorry if you're squeamish and you had to exit my blog. I totally understand.

ANYWAY. It was a great rush and I felt really accomplished after. Rock climbing is fun, and I will do it again! Sayonara, #9! (More pix of our expedition on my flickr.)

Also, I am interning at an outpatient program for teens with substance abuse problems and their families, which is AWESOME, so I've crossed out number 6, too!

Did I mention that I love interning? Even though I mostly file paperwork and answer phones, it's still amazing. The woman I work for is truly incredible, and super-involved in every aspect of her business, including training her interns. Just sitting and talking with her while we file papers is truly a blessing. I pray every day that my road leads me on a similar career path, because I love, love, love the idea of helping young people the way she does.

Oh, life is good.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

2010-06-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

Everybody is afraid of something. The things I fear just happen to be kind of weird.

I am the spider/cricket/earwig/whatever killer in our dorm. I think snakes are the coolest. I've been to the top of some of the highest buildings in the world. But I am really afraid of...

Pigs. Not piglets, I'm talking about hogs or potbellies or boars or any big pig, like the ones at the county fair. They just creep me out. I hate the way they squeal, I hate their skin, I hate their mouths. They seriously make me cry with fear.
Chunky milk. Luckily for me, I have never had an encounter with spoiled milk because I'm too paranoid to let it happen. Plus, I don't drink a lot of milk. But seriously, just the thought of chunks in my milk makes me gag.
Looking in the mirror at night. This is not some crack at how ugly I look at the end of the day; I mean it really freaks me out because I always feel like someone else is going to look back out at me. I think it's because we used to play that Bloody Mary game when we were little kids... the one where you stand in the bathroom and try to summon her spirit into the mirror or whatever... no? OK, anyway... I will literally run through the house looking at the ground at night because I'm too scared to look in the mirrors.
Feet. Yuck yuck yuck, please do not get your feet anywhere near me. I might hyperventilate.
Having my neck touched. OK, this is really weird, but I get weirdly claustrophobic and I feel like I'm going to suffocate. I get especially nervous around people who don't seem to understand personal space. Even wearing a shirt with a tight neck gets my hyperventilating and panicky. I don't know why... I don't have any traumatic events that involve suffocation in my past. All I know is that if you try to touch my neck, I will curl up in a ball on the ground and try to control my breathing.

What weird things are you afraid of? Or am I the only one?

Spreading some joy!

2010-06-11T00:14:00.001-07:00

Good News!!!!

I got the (PAYING) job that I was hoping for -- summer camp counselor at Marshall's church!
I made the Dean's List this semester!!! All A's except one B+!
Abby Sunderland, the 16-year-old who was trying to be the youngest person to sail solo around the world, is OK after a scare today where she lost contact for awhile. Praise God!
I'm due for an upgrade on my cell phone... right after mine started crapping out!
I'm in the middle of writing a new song.
Marshall and I are almost 100% healthy after our brutal stomach illness.
I had a lovely girls night, the first since everyone came home for summer.
June Gloom is finally starting to fade!
I made two epic meals today, one of which I blogged about over at my food blog!
It's Friday!!!!!!

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2010-06-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

As always, borrowing this meme from the lovely and hilarious Amber at Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time.

Hey, It's Okay...

to be SUPER excited that you have 50 followers! Hi, 50 followers!

to be 100% addicted to Gossip Girl.

to think Chuck and Blair have the best relationship to ever grace television. Sorry, Lucy and Ricky.

to think getting sick during the summer is totally bogus and lame, but secretly be thankful because missing 4 days of classes would have been unacceptable.

to despise June gloom.

to miss your roomie!!!!

to be on day 6 of stomach illness and house confinement... oh wait, that is SO not OK. Pray for me, please. And Marshall too, because he's got it, too.

I love you all! Hope you're having a fabulously OK Tuesday!

Normal

2010-06-06T23:49:00.000-07:00

No matter what I do, no matter how predictable I try to make my life, it will not be any more predictable than the rest of the world. Which is chaotic.
--Elizabeth Moon, The Speed of Dark

I know that I am not perfect. That I am disorganized, absentminded, lazy, commitment-phobic, goofy, illogical, lackadaisical, and downright ditzy at times.

Please love me because of this and not in spite of this. Please forgive me for the errors of my ways.

Please don't try to change me.

I don't want to be "normal."

'Normal' is a dryer setting.
--Elizabeth Moon, The Speed of Dark

If I Were...

2010-06-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Flog Yo Blog Friday and greetings to all my new followers! For those Americans for whom it is still Friday, head on over to Brenda's Blog MummyTime and join in the fun. And really, follow her blog. She's a blast and a half.

I've seen this meme floating around a great many blogs, but I took it directly from Kristin at Wanderlust, another amazing woman with an amazing blog. I thought it would be fun, so here goes...

If I were a month, I would be July, smack dab in the middle of summer, 4th of July family time, and no responsibilities.

If I were a day of the week, I would be Friday, full of anticipation.

If I were a time of day, I would be sunset, relaxing into the evening and letting all my colors show.

If I were a planet, I would be Pluto, unsure of my own importance.

If I were an animal, I would be a buffalo, mellow but ready to butt heads when necessary.

If I were a direction, I would be "You know that one purple house on that one corner? Yeah, over on the other side of that, and then to the left... or maybe right..." (I'm directionally challenged.)

If I were a piece of furniture, I would be the comfiest couch for cuddling or watching movies with friends.

If I were a liquid, I would be iced tea.

If I were a gemstone, I would be opal, unique and multi-faceted.

If I were a tree, I would be an oak, long-lasting and familiar.

If I were a tool, I would be a pen.

If I were a flower, I would be a sunflower, always craning my face toward the sun.

If I were a kind of weather, I would be 80 degrees and sunny!!!!

If I were a musical instrument, I would be a guitar, the life of the party and ever-expressive.

If I were a color, I would be yellow. (That says yellow, not purple.)

If I were an emotion, I would be pure, unadulterated joy!

If I were a fruit, I would be a pomegranate, exotic, curvaceous, and sexy. ;)

If I were a sound, I would be the harmony of two voices.

If I were an element, I would be water, fluid and refreshing.

If I were a car, I would be a vintage VW bug, a little behind the times, but still cute.

If I were a food, I would be a grilled cheese, comforting and versatile.

If I were a place, I would be a home, filled with friends and family.

If I were a material, I would be cotton, basic, but reliable.

If I were a taste, I would be salty.

If I were a scent, I would be sunscreen and concrete.

If I were an object, I would be a music box.

If I were a body part, I would be the eye, observing and analyzing.

If I were a facial expression, I would be a stifled giggle.

If I were a pair of shoes, I would be your favorite pair of flats, useful, elegant and comfortable.

Join in if you wish! I'd love to read what you think you would be!

Barefoot In The Park

2010-06-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

Friends, my body is freaking out.

Yesterday, all I wanted to do was sleep. I got coffee with one of my buddies from high school who's home for the summer. Then, I came home, cleaned a little, and laid around feeling achy and tired, which I attributed to my anemia and not having taken my iron pill yet.

Then, Marshall got off work and came to pick me up so we could go hang out with his family at the park for awhile. Then, I got stung by a bee while playing soccer, barefoot, in the park with Marshall's brothers and mom. For the amount that I go barefoot, I am truly shocked that this is the first time one of my toes has ever been stung... and I'm truly shocked that it hurt so bad! I've been stung by many a bee in my life, but this one hurt like crazy! And swelled up, too! And it still hurts! And itches!

But enough sentence fragments. Heh.

Anywho, so then Marshall took me home to get some ice on my fat toe, and I was feeling nauseous all the way there. I attributed it to the bee sting and expected it to pass. But, as I sat at the kitchen table unable to focus on anything anyone was saying and barely keeping my eyes open, I realized that I should probably go lie down. Next thing I knew, I was running a fever.

Sigh.

I caught some weird bug that my dad had over memorial day weekend. UN-FORTUNATE. (With a dash so you can hear exactly how I would be saying it.)

All I've been doing today is lying around drinking gatorade and watching Gossip Girl. I am so addicted. I'm finally watching season 3; I just started watching the show last semester.

So, sorry about my whiny post, I just had to share the epic story of my demise. Just kidding, just kidding, I'm fine. Fine, but a little bored since MegaVideo only lets me watch 72 minutes of video at a time before making me wait 54 whole minutes.

In the meantime, I'll be reading and commenting and photoshopping and drinking gatorade. I hope you're all having a good Thursday!

Picture belongs to me, please don't steal. =)

I Will Follow

2010-06-02T00:43:00.001-07:00

There is so much to think about.

So much to do, so little time.

I am hopeful and scared, ready and vulnerable, brave, yet oh so...

nervous.

I am watching us grow, and it is a beautiful thing. Flowers are growing in my garden, a garden whose soil was worked with bare hands, watered with tears and fertilized with hardships.

I know that I will shed a great many tears for you.
I know that we will butt heads on a continual basis.
I know that sometimes, I will want to butt my own head against a wall.

When we started this dance, we stepped on each others feet, both of us wanting to lead. Slowly, as the waltz goes on, we develop grace.

He says, "If." He says, "Maybe."

I say, I will follow.

Even if it means the military.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2010-06-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's okay to not really feel okay about anything sometimes.

I'll get back to you on this one.

5 years!

2010-05-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

The wonderful Sydney Shop Girl has tagged me in a meme!

Where were you five years ago?

May of 2005? I believe I was finishing up my 8th grade year and getting ready to go to high school!! I wish I had pictures, but I don't... I was an awkward little nerd. I was in band... we went to New York that year on a band trip, and it was amazing and still one of my favorite memories. I sang "Across the Universe" by the Beatles at our 8th grade graduation, and two of my best friends are still my best friends. Different boyfriend though. ;)

Where would you like to be five years from now?

I would like to be interning and getting started on my master's degree or maybe my PsyD. I haven't decided. I'd kind of like to be married by then, and so would Marshall, but we'll have to see what happens life-wise and of course money-wise. I would REALLY like to be living in my own place, avec Marshall or sans Marshall, but again, we'll see what happens. I can hardly plan 5 minutes ahead, let alone 5 years!!!

Oh yeah, and I'd really like to be out of debt, but Lord knows that's not gonna happen unless I win the lottery or something. Sigh.

What is on your to do list today?

Internship from 9-12
Arrive at home in one piece
Make awesome lunch
Clean room
Practice songs for show tonight
Write set list for show tonight
Hang out with Marshall
Eat dinner
PLAY SHOW AT FRESH AND FABULOUS! =)

What five snacks do you enjoy?

Fresh bell peppers
Cheez-its
Goldfish crackers!
Chocolate.
String Cheese

What would you do if you were a billionaire?

Pay off my debt. Get a PsyD instead of just a masters. Marry Marshall. Buy a house. Record an album. TRAVEL. Help my parents finish remodeling. Donate, donate, donate!!!!

I'd love to hear what these fantastic bloggers have to say...

The Draft Queen
Lauren at Believe, Dream, Achieve
Annnd my loverly sister.

Silly Things That Make Me Feel Better

2010-05-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

I have a confession: I am an anxious person. Because of this, I have had to really take inventory of things that make me feel better.

I have a realization: Many of those things are very silly.

Hot Chocolate. Oh yes. Always calms me down.
Putting on makeup to go to something that doesn't require it, like an early morning final.
Semicolons. They always make me feel smart when I'm struggling with a paper or something.
People being nice at their places of business. Even if I'm having a rotten day, someone who goes out of his or her way to give a smile or a nice comment makes me happy.
The sun!!
Text messages with smiley faces! Especially from my loving boyfriend.
Singing and playing guitar. It usually gets my thoughts back in order.
Comments on my blog! I love hearing from the blogging community.
Cooking food for someone else. As long as they enjoy it. LOL.

What weird thing makes you feel better on a bad day???

What I've Been Up To

2010-05-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well.

I'm truly sorry I haven't been blogging. I miss it so much, and I wish I had some deeply provocative things to write about, but as of now, I just don't. I've been living, though!

Right now, I'm interning Mondays and Fridays from 9-12 with a Marriage and Family Therapist who runs an outpatient program for teens with substance abuse problems and their families. I love it love it love it and every day when I leave, I'm on fire for my career path.

Soon, I'm going to start a "real job" (as in paying. Haha.) at Marshall's church's summer day camp for kiddies... I'm stoked. Basically, get paid minimum wage to play with kids all day. I am more than okay with that, seeing as I ADORE children.

Other than that, I'm trying to see as much of my friends and family as I can, and spending a ton of time with Marshall.

I'm also trying to embrace my Claire-time, and I'm trying to go on some solo adventures as much as possible. Writing songs, thinking about things, playing music...

It's a good life, and a good summer.

I am happy.
I got this blog award from Rathi at her blog, What Can I Say?. She's so wonderful.
I certainly do not deserve it because of my lack of blogging lately, but I accept it graciously.

Oh, and I'm sorry I missed both Never Sent Saturday and Hey, It's Okay Tuesday... ugh. Fail.

I hope you are all doing well!

Just another evening...

2010-05-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

He cracks me up.

Oh, my dreams; it's never quite as it seems.

2010-05-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wish I could see Ventura through someone else's eyes.

The beaches, the sunsets, the quirky downtown, the rolling hills, the surfers, the seniors, the students.

They say love is blind, and I am so in love with this city. I must be forgetting its flaws when I say I want to stay here forever, but I search and cannot find them. Like a first love, permanent in gold on a pedestal in your mind, I see the flaws as character traits, birthmarks; imperfect but beautiful and to be defended to the death.I like to believe that I am a wanderer, but my heart is here. My soul is frozen in the chill of the Pacific Ocean, ebbing and flowing, but never changing.

I have friends coming and going in Provo, Utah; Portland, Oregon; Spokane, Washington;
Berkeley, California; Italy, Hungary, England, France, Africa... and I follow their adventures with joy in my heart and adventure in my dreams.

My feet long to travel, but my mind only rests at home.

I have been to 14 different states, 5 different countries, and 1 different continent, and I plan on visiting many more through my lifetime. In Paris, I fantasized about living across from a cafe, learning flawless French and visiting the Louvre every day. In New York, my eyes lit up and I imagined big city living in high fashion and endless opportunity. In London I dreamed of pub-hopping and falling in love with a cute English boy. In the English countryside I thought of a peaceful life farming and quiet, in Washington, D.C. I pictured young ambitions and making a difference, and in Washington state, my head swam with visions of my ideal college life.

Then I came home. I smelled orange blossoms and the ocean, felt sand between my toes and spent a day tanning at the beach in the middle of January. I spent the day in LA at a museum, a day in Ojai in the mountains, a day in California City in the desert. And somehow I know that I will never want for anything as long as I live here. As long as I have occasional access to feet, car keys, or a plane or train ticket, I will always be content in the place of my childhood.

My dreams have changed.I want to go back to the Baskin Robbins on Main Street where I met Marshall for the first time every year, until we are old and married the way I pray we will be.

I want to help the people here in my own way through my career, providing therapy and support to those who need it.

I want my children to play on the zip line at Marina Park, hunt for seashells at Rincon, spend a day at the Santa Barbara Zoo, see the pier at sunset, picnic at Grant Park, watch movies at the Century 16, camp out on the Channel Islands, have ice cream at Coastal Cone, see shows at Zoey's, ride the carousel at the harbor, ride their bikes on a path through strawberry fields, watch a great band at the Ventura Theatre, eat oranges right off the tree, develop a fierce love for avocados, hike to Two Trees and chase cows up at the V.

I have been spoiled by ever-fresh produce and temperate weather, but I have calloused feet that can brave almost any ground, and I've swam, bikini-clad, in an 50-60 degree ocean that makes the Atlantic feel like a jacuzzi. I have spent time in Malibu and Los Angeles and refused to succumb to Hollywood's expectations of what I should look like. I have lived through earthquakes and brush fires and feel blessed that the state is usually more than prepared for these things. I have traveled and seen without judgment, I have loved and lusted for various locations, but there is no love greater than the one I have for my hometown.

*All pictures property of Claire Winters, 2010*

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!!

2010-05-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

Greetings, everybody! And happy Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

Hey It's Okay...

to have less down time to blog in the summer than during the school year.

to probably be the one person in history to injure herself on a stationary bike. Ouchies.

to check out your boyfriend while he's working out at the gym. You would too, trust me. ;)

to spend a rainy day in the library and then reading while the bf naps all afternoon.

Sorry, not much to say this Tuesday... I'll try to blog soon.

Love!

Never Sent Saturday

2010-05-15T14:03:00.001-07:00

I am happy to be home, but I'm not in too humorous of a mood today. Luckily, I was earlier this week.

Just so you know, this says: "Dear PB, You have no idea how happy I am that I will never again have to see you walking around my living space in your underwear. Or in any wear for that matter. Happy summer. Joyfully, Claire."

Thanks to everyone who participated last week, I hope you join in the fun again!!

On a totally non-humorous note, here's a letter to all of you.:

Dear Fellow Bloggers,

Thank you for making me feel beautiful. Bloggers Without Makeup day really made me realize that it's the company you keep that makes you beautiful, not the skin that you show the world. Thanks for sharing all your beautiful pictures. I really mean they were all stunningly gorgeous. I love you all so much.

Love, Claire

FYBF, Bloggers without makeup

2010-05-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Flog Yo Blog Friday!! Head over to Brenda's blog, Mummy Time and join in the fun. I've met so many wonderful bloggers through her blog hop, I love it.

Also, Jodie from Mummy Mayhem dubbed today Bloggers Without Makeup Day. Today, we're supposed to be celebrating inner beauty and rejecting the media's standards of what we should look like.

I don't wear a ton of makeup to begin with; foundation, powder, eyeliner, and mascara are about as far as I go on a regular day. But that little bit makes a big difference.

I didn't take a picture specifically for this event because my camera and cord are packed and my webcam isn't working. But here's a recent picture of me with no makeup on!
Not the most flattering of pictures even if I was wearing makeup, but hey, that's the point isn't it? I want to be a good example to my little sister and all the women and girls in my life by showing that it's not about makeup or clothes, it's about being a good person with an inner light that makes the outside beautiful.

So, cringing, I publish this post. I hope one day I can get to the point where I don't have to cringe or worry about "putting on my face" every morning.

Stepping Westward

2010-05-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

It has been a year.

I lack the adjectives to describe my freshman year of college. It has been homesick, frustrating, enlightening, exciting, disgusting, fascinating, joyful, hilarious, exhausting, invigorating, primitive, confusing, clarifying, apathetic, passionate, spiritual, lonely, beautiful and new.

I am ambiguous when it comes to leaving this beautiful campus, my new home. Everything about this year was dualistic. There were times when I felt warm and swaddled in the comfort of friendship, but there were times when I felt lonelier and more abandoned than I have ever felt. I learned so much about myself, but I learned that I have no idea who I am. School was challenging, and school was horribly dull.

I think I have changed. I'm not really sure.

I think two people in my life have summed me up well. One of them is not even a close friend. In my sophomore year of high school, the other kid who played the French Horn in my band class was making fun of me. I said, "I'm in love with this song." (Or something) And he said, "Claire, you're in love with the world."

Yesterday, Emily told me I was described to her as, "She sings, and she doesn't listen to the radio," by Courtney.

I never want to lose those two descriptions. I always want that joyful naivete that makes me "In love with the world." I always want to have joy. I always want to sing, and I never want to conform. I just want to be.

I will admit freely that I have spent many broken days this year. I did not want to sing, I wanted to conform, and I felt far from love.

I am a woman in pieces. I am a woman in love. I am a woman changed and changing.

I am Stepping Westward.

Stepping Westward

What is green in me
darkens, muscadine.
If woman is inconstant,
good, I am faithful to
ebb and flow, I fall
in season and now
is a time of ripening.
If her part
is to be true,
a north star,
good, I hold steady
in the black sky
and vanish by day,
yet burn there
in blue or above
quilts of cloud.
There is no savor
more sweet, more salt
than to be glad to be
what, woman,
and who, myself,
I am, a shadow
that grows longer as the sun
moves, drawn out
on a thread of wonder.
If I bear burdens
they begin to be remembered
as gifts, goods, a basket
of bread that hurts
my shoulders but closes me
in fragrance. I can
eat as I go.

-Denise Levertov

Hello, Summer!

2010-05-12T11:36:00.001-07:00

Hello, summer.

Hello Independence (California, not the thing, the place)

Hello, Beach Hair

Hello, chicas.

Hello, adventures with siblings.

Hello, double dates with Jenn and Casey and Carly and Kenny.
Hello, shows on the weekends.
Hello, falling asleep by the pool.
Hello, coffee dates and deep talks with Hannah.
Hello, Psych nights.
Hello, new camera.
Hello, tan and blond hair.
Hello, picnics in the park.
Hello, family visits.
Hello, Mammoth Pools.
Hello, internship of a lifetime.

But right now... hello, packing. Rawr.To answer the questions I know will be coming, YES that is a life-sized Taylor Lautner, NO it is not mine.

I'm not ready to deal with the goodbyes.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2010-05-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

Hello, blogging buddies!

As always, go check out Whispering Writer for the original (and funnier) Hey, It's Okay Tuesday post. Sara without an H is also participating today, and she's as funny and quirky as ever. Any other participants, let me know, I'll link to you, too!

Here's my finals week Hey, It's Okay...

Hey, It's Okay...

to let your boyfriend dictate his paper to you because he's a two-finger typer and you really need your lap top.

to really, really want a pet snake.

to feel bittersweet about this semester coming to an end.

feel the need to take goofy "family" photos:

I love them so much.

PS, I don't know why my arm looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Just ignore it. I swear I'm not really that buff. Or that fat.

to treat yourself to banana pancakes after a successful vocal jury.

to shave your legs with conditioner instead of shaving cream. It's Economy 101.

to scream bloody murder during quiet hours because the water from the sprinklers just came THROUGH your windows for the first time all semester. Living on the first floor sucks.

to shoot dirty looks at guys who were mean to your friends, even if they have no idea who you are.

to read chick lit while cycling at the gym. Working out is hard enough for me, I don't need to add studying for Intro to Christianity on to that.

to yell and hoot really loudly and embarrass your sister during curtain call at her play.

to laugh at your boyfriend when he's crying because it's the last time he's gonna see YOUR friends until the fall. (OK, OK, they're our friends... love you, babe.)

to feel yourself up because your love handles are gone and your abs are getting hard again.

to be unsure about having some sort of fun giveaway of your CD because you're not sure who would participate... would you? Check out my music HERE or HERE and then decide.

Hope you're having an okay Tuesday! Sorry this was such a long one!

What a wonderful weekend...

2010-05-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

My gorgeous family at Sammy's confirmation this weekend.

Me making faces at Marshall, Nicholas, and Daniel's goofiness.

As if I haven't already been blessed with a large tightly-knit family, God has decided that I deserve two wonderful families.

I didn't know when I fell in love with Marshall that I would fall in love with his family, too. Now I feel that I couldn't leave them with any more ease than I could leave Marshall.

Family is so important to me. These values have been passed down to me through the generations; my mom's dad who initiated "Wednesday Night Dinner" for my mom's side of the family and 4th of July family reunions; my dad's mom with her endless amounts of family and constant hospitality towards them, my mom and her insistence upon family dinners, my dad and his dedication to being home with us.

This was one of my favorite kinds of weekend. Saturday morning was Samantha's confirmation (I'm so proud of her!!!). After that, we headed over to the open house at my grandpa's shop. Lots of rusty old things, shiny old things, and plaid-wearing old people. Marshall did his annual job of giving little kids rides in the motorcar and I got to see some family and friends and eat some fantastic food. After that, we were going to go to the beach, but ended up lazing around at his house all afternoon, then in the evening we went to see my Samantha is her high school's production of "Pete's Dragon." It was adorable and totally fun.

Sunday was obviously mother's day. I woke up early, made Sammy and Max sign the card that I'd made the night before, and we all had bagels for breakfast while my mom opened her presents; a collage picture frame and a teamaker from Teavana:
It sits right on top of your mug and steeps your tea, then goes into your cup through the bottom. Very cool. Then, Marshall came and picked me up and we went to church at VCC. Speaking of family, I'm starting to feel really at home there, and I love it. Then we had a big brunch at my house with a whole bunch of my family. THEN, we went to Marshall's and had lamb curry for dinner with his family and his grandparents. We watched "Disturbia" and studied, and it was altogether a really nice evening.

I'm really in love with life, you know? I think about people who don't get along with their families, people who don't have any cousins, people whose boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse's parents don't like them, people who have lost family members, and people who are lost themselves, and I realize how absolutely blessed I am. Praise God!

So thank you...

To my momma for organizing a fabulous brunch and for being my mom.
My dad for being happy to see me at home and cracking me up like always.
My sister for being talented, beautiful, and unique no matter what.
My brother for showing new geniuses every day.
My grandmas and great grandma for being awesome and inspirational!
My cousins for being my best friends throughout my life.
My aunts for being supportive and wonderful.
My grandpa for throwing a great open house.
My boyfriend for wanting to share me with his family.
Mrs. Laminen for showing me love and welcoming me into your home.
Mr. Laminen for being a fantastic cook and a hilarious person.
All you Laminen brothers for always showing me a good time.
Mr. and Mrs. Reszetylo for being surrogate grandparents and loving me like crazy.

God. For making this all happen.

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to my hero.
To the woman who has taught me more than all the teachers I've ever known.

Thank you for teaching me that family comes first.
That it's OK to cry over the silly things.
That a journey with God is a never-ending one.
That true love exists, and it can last.
That there's no such thing as an unnecessary pair of shoes.
That the best way to deal with anything is with politeness.
That you can be a successful business woman and a successful mother.
That in-laws are a gift, not a curse.
That food is something to be enjoyed, not just a necessity.
That school is a close second to family.
That dessert isn't a crime.
That girlfriends are to be cherished.
That my standards should be high.
That siblings are forever.
That being happy isn't about the things you own.

Happy Mother's Day. You are truly fantastic.

Happy Mother's Day to my grandmas and aunts. You are all inspirations to me daily. You teach me what love is, what family is, and what it is to be woman, and I hope I can one day be like you.

Happy Mother's Day to Marshall's mother and grandma. Thank you for accepting me into your family with open arms and for being such lovely, amazing women.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommy Bloggers reading as well... you are all beautiful, wonderful, inspiring people. You deserve more than a day recognizing the work you do.

Seven Swans

2010-05-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

I got an award! From Nithya over at I Have a Blog Now!! She just started blogging awhile ago, but her blog rocks and I'm really flattered that she thought of me.

Secretly, I already have this award. Am I allowed to get the same award twice? I don't know. But she wants me to write 7 things about myself, and since I really don't have anything else to blog about today, I think I'm going to go ahead and do that!

#1: As I write this blog right now, my roommate and I are comparing tongue sizes and shapes with our friend Nikko who is at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Over Oovoo.

#2: When I was a little kid, I used to ask people, "Remember when I was a dog?"

#3: My shower at home is smaller than my shower at school. Both are roughly coffin sized.

#4: I love bugs. I'm absolutely fascinated with them. When I was a little kid, I would catch bees and spiders and snails and caterpillars in jars with little air holes in the lid and make them habitats. Unfortunately, my lack of fear for bugs makes me the official bug killer in my dorm room. I really do save as many as I can.

#5: I'm a proud "mother" of 3, two nineteen-year-old girls and one eighteen-year-old boy. I'm the one that solves the arguments, breaks up the fights, and makes sure they all get home safely at night. Oh, and I love them all dearly. Here's Courtney, Emily and Dylan, being typical.

#6: I'm an October baby, so I started kindergarten when I was four. Now I'm young for my grade and subsequently, younger than all my friends. Which makes it extra weird that they call me mom.

#7: I'm a psychology major, and I'm changing my emphasis from clinical applications to child and family development so I can be a Marriage and Family Therapist. I think.

I'd like to pass this award on to...

Katie at No Missed Opportunities
Carly at Everyone Wants This
Sarah Nicole at Live In Imagination

Enjoy, ladies! And keep writing your beautiful blogs!!

The Oldest Child

2010-05-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

I am the oldest child.
I am the maternal one.
I am the responsible, anxious one,
wringing my hands until everyone's home.
I am the trailblazing one,
the role model one,
I am the idol, fallen and standing.
Studies say that I am the least adventurous
but every day is an adventure,
stepping out with no one to lead the way.
I am the advice giver,
I am the consoler,
Stepping in while mom and dad are away.
I am the punished
I am the blamed,
but I suppose every kid would say the same.
I am the protector,
but the bully entitled
to being the only bully -- all others, watch your ass.
I am the dethroned
or maybe the "stepped-down,"
sharing their attention, once undivided
and fighting for it for the rest of my life.

I am the oldest child.
I am the attached one.
I am the loving, loyal one.
Although I am the youngest friend, the youngest student, the youngest singer, the youngest worker...

I will always be the oldest child.

Bloggy Type Stuff.

2010-05-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

Good morning, everybody!

I got an award from Rathi over at her blog, What Can I Say?! Woot woot! Here it is, in all its bloggy glory!

I just love that girl, and I am flattered that she thinks my blog is lovely! I think she and her blog are lovely and wonderful.

I'd like to pass this award on to...

Kristin at Wanderlust
Sara at Sara Spelled Without an H -- I just found your blog and I'm loving it.
The Draft Queen at The Drafts Folder
And to my lovely sister Samantha at Follow Where The Limelight Leads You.

No rules for this one, just pure appreciation.

In other blog news... you might notice that I added a "Boyfriend Quote O' The Day" to my sidebar... check it out. That kid is full of gems like, "Sorry, I didn't get my degree in Frenchinology!" and (in his sleep) "Yeah! Girl power! That's a good idea!" and many more I just can't wait to hear and share with you.

Also, there's a rumor that I, little lowly Claire Marie, might be starting my own blog meme. If you hang around until this weekend, you might find out if that's true or not.

I promise I will write something of substance soon... I have a 5-8 page paper due for Abnormal Psych on Friday. I've written 1 page. That's about as much substance as I can take.

One paper, One Jury, and Finals away from Summer!

Never Sent Saturday

2010-05-04T16:22:00.001-07:00

The time has come for me to make up my own blog meme. Anyone else can, why not me?!
Welcome, my friends, to Never Sent Saturday. These are letters I've "written" (thought) throughout the week to inanimate objects, animals, people I don't know, people I do know, and anything else I can think of.

If you like it, join in the fun. Any day of the week will do! I know Courtney and I can't be the only ones who address everything in letter format.

Here we go!Sorry, this one is hard to read: "Dear Police Helicopter, How dare you fly low and circle my school at 12:30 AM the night before my voice final? What in the heck is wrong with you, anyway?"

PS, I just noticed that J. Biebs and that kid in the picture above him are totally twins. '

What's been on your mind this week? Share with me!

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

2010-05-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Another really good Tuesday... could I possibly be sensing a trend??

As always, check out Whispering Writer Amber's blog to see where I stole the idea for "Hey, It's Okay Tuesday." (With permission of course.) Also Okaying today is Sara Spelled Without An "H" and she is fabulous. I'm glad this is spreading, because it leads to hysterical blog fodder.

Hey It's Okay...

To think ham is disgusting. And to need to leave the room when your boyfriend eats it cold out of a tupperware in the fridge with his fingers. *Shudder*

To have once thought the marking on the road that said "SB" stood for Santa Barbara and not South Bound. Example, when driving back to TO from Camarillo or something: Marshall: OK, take this exit. Claire: Wait, I don't want to go to Santa Barbara! Marshall: *Facepalm*

To be completely baffled as to why so many wonderful young women see "douche bag" as an attractive quality in men.

To text "lol" when something is slightly funny or joking, and "HAHAHAHA" when you actually "lol".

To really deeply and extensively ponder why your best friend's female math teacher has a beard, if she knows she has a beard, and why she doesn't shave said beard. (Apologies to any bearded ladies reading this blog, I mean you no offense, I am truly just curious.)

To eat the same "Grilled Shrimp Fatoosh" salad every day for lunch when it's the weekly special at the restaurant at your school. It's so darn good.

To get really excited when there are Joan of Arcadia re-runs on TV, and to still be mad that the powers that be canceled it right when Satan came to town.

To shamelessly promote your new FOOD BLOG, "If Food Be The Food Of Love..."

Please check it out.

Happy Okay Tuesday!

Oh, and also...

2010-05-03T16:06:00.001-07:00

I started a little side project... a food blog!

Check it out here, and tell all your friends. =) Thank you!!!

This Beautiful Life

2010-05-03T02:56:00.000-07:00

Behind every sad story, there is someone helping to pick up the pieces. There is a shoulder to cry on, a soothing voice, an angry defender, an irrational protector.

Behind every broken heart, there is someone helping to put it back together. There are nonsense words of comfort, offerings of violence, ridiculous ploys to drag out laughter, little gifts that make you smile.

Behind every girl, there are friends.
I love mine so very much.

Someday, I hope I can give you what you have given me.

Hope when everything seemed lost.
Laughter when life felt dark.
Advice when my head was spinning.
Support when everyone else thought I was wrong (and even when I was).
Reality when faking it was easier.
Love when I didn't deserve it.

I pray that every girl in the world gets to experience love like I have from the ladies I am blessed to call my friends.

Gnocchi Gnight

2010-05-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

I just realized tonight that I should start blogging about the meals Marshall and I make. They are easy to make, fairly affordable (We are poor college students) and in our opinion, quite delicious. No pictures tonight, but here's what was on the menu tonight:

Gnocchi and sausage in cheesy-vodka tomato sauce
Steamed zucchini
Cheese and garlic breadsticks

We got the gnocchi and organic vodka sauce at Trader Joe's. I browned the sausage with butter and olive oil in a sauce pan while the water for the gnocchi was boiling. Once the water was boiling, I added the gnocchi. While the gnocchi cooked, I took one of the Boursin packaged garlic and herb spreadable cheeses (Also bought at TJ's) and mixed it with the vodka sauce in a saucepan over heat until it was fairly creamy but still saucy. Then, I added the sausage and the gnocchi and stirred it all together.

Marshall cut the zucchini (Also bought at TJ's) into bite-sized rounds, and then steamed it with salt, pepper, and butter until it was soft and tasty with just a little crunch.

We bought the breadsticks already made.

The meal was one of our favorites yet. If you've never had gnocchi, I highly recommend it. Those little potato dumplings are my weakness.
They look like this, but ours were in a red sauce, obviously. Oh, and here's a picture of the cheese we used, in case you were curious. Both photos courtesy of Google Images. Mixing the cheese with the sauce was an idea I got from my mom. It's easy, cheap, and delicious, and adds a new twist to regular old pasta sauce. Mixing it with the vodka sauce turned out divine.

I adore cooking. I love coming up with new recipes, coming up with recipes while shopping, cooking for lots of people or just cooking with and for Marshall. I have to say, I hate cooking for just myself, though. If I'm by myself I'll just make a grilled cheese or something. It's only fun if you get to share.

If you have any easy, cheap recipes, make sure to share with me... I'm always looking for something new and exciting, and I have very adventurous taste buds!

Hope you all had a great weekend; I know I did!

Just Like A Star Across My Sky

2010-04-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

"Still I wonder why it is, I don't argue like this with anyone but you. We do it all the time, blowing out my mind. You've got this look I can't describe, you make me feel like I'm alive, when everything else is au fait, without a doubt you're on my side." - Corinne Bailey Rae

I don't know why I hurt you.
I don't know why you hurt me.

Maybe it's because...

We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter. (Mignon McLaughlin)

And it's hard. It's hard falling for someone you didn't choose.

But I would choose you again if I had the chance.

But I do know that...

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. (Albert Ellis)

I need you still. My heart is broken every minute that my phone is silent, even when it's my own fault.

Let's keep trying. I love you.

Blades

2010-04-30T03:26:00.000-07:00

Pretty much just stream of consciousness at 3:40 AM...

Blades

I keep my blades near for my enemies
And out for my friends
I keep my thoughts quiet for strangers
And silent for them.

Too attached for flight
too weak for fight.
Constantly on edge and waiting
for night

to fall, as it will, as it always has done
the silence, the still, of following the moon
the waiting, the cycling, the passivity
of tides rings true.

Sometimes I am high, sometimes I am low
Sometimes I am drowning
And waiting
And out of control.

By waiting, I'm gaining
power by absence
by letting it happen
my responsibility fades.

Try to hold me!
My skin is of the most
bristling
cacti.

I scream that I love you
I scream go away
I scream let me drown
I am happy this way.

I keep my blades close for my enemies
And out for my friends.
Soon you will see that I cut like a knife
And I die, I die.

20 Before 20

2010-04-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I can think of no better way of keeping myself accountable than writing a list and posting it on the internet for the world to see. If I complete one, I'll be sure to tell you about it. And, if I still have this blog when I'm twenty (which seems ridiculously far away, but it's really just under a year and a half. Weird.) I will be sure to let you guys know how much I've managed to complete! And so, here they are, in no particular order, the twenty things I would like to accomplish before I turn twenty.

Claire Marie's 20 Before 20

1. Make a 4.0 GPA
2. Write a new album’s worth of songs
3. ~~Buy a Canon Rebel t2i... finally!~~
4. Travel outside of the country again
5. ~~Win a photography award in the Ventura County Fair~~
6. ~~Intern somewhere awesome~~
7. Buy a car. Maybe.
8. Learn how to surf
9. ~~Stop having “stage fright” and go rock climbing!~~
10. Lose ten pounds
11. Decrease my amount of earthly possessions
12. Learn how to play “Never Going Back Again” by Fleetwood Mac on the guitar
13. Go to the San Diego Zoo and the Wild Animal Park
14. Play on an inter-mural sports team at CLU
15. Really get behind and get active for an important movement
16. Learn how to play the mandolin
17. Bite the bullet and learn how to do bar chords on the guitar. Sigh.
18. Sing a solo for Women’s Chorale or CLU Choir
19. Compose a score for a singing group
20. Live life to the fullest while I’m still young and have few responsibilities.

Note: This list is not to say that there aren't other things I want to do, and of course there are things that I want to do on a daily basis, like be a good person, be a great friend, girlfriend, and family member, better my relationships, make new friends, etc. etc. This is just a fun list.

Claireology

2010-04-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Rathi at What Can I Say? because I've gained a good number of new followers recently... and you guys don't really know me at all! Now, you'll know more than you ever wanted to.
FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Ranch for sure. On anything pretty much.

What is your favourite sit- down restaurant?
I have sort of fallen in love with Anacapa Brewing Company. I'm also a big fan of California Pizza Kitchen and the Busy Bee Cafe.

What is your favourite fast food restaurant?
The Habit. For sure, hands down. It's better than In-N-Out. Get over it.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Shoot... grilled cheese. Turkey, brie, and cranberry sauce sandwiches. Chow mein.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Cheese, chicken, bell peppers, black olives, and avocado.

How many televisions are in your house?
There are two in my dorm (I'll explain that sometime...), and there are three at my house.

What colour cell phone do you have?
Green!

BIOLOGY:

Are you right- handed or left- handed?
I'm a righty!

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
All four of my wisdom teeth as well as a canine.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Psh, I don't know! I don't lift heavy items on a regular basis!

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No, I have not.

Have you ever fainted?Nope!

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, I would not.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No way! I don't know many Claires and I like that.

How many pairs of flip- flops do you own?
At least four. I live in Southern California, fool.

Last person you talked to?
In person? My roommate Alissa.

FAVOURITOLOGY:
Season?
Summer summer summer summer.

Holiday?
Christmas and Easter.

Month?
July!

Colour?
It's always been yellow. =)

Drink?
Iced or hot tea.

Alcoholic?
I don't drink.

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone?
Very much!

What are you listening to?
"Pink Moon" by Nick Drake

What are you watching?
Nothing.

Worrying About?
Nothing, really.

What’s the last movie you saw?
Oh shoot, I don't remember. We watched Juno a few nights ago?

Do you smile often?
Very, very often. It feels good.

If you could change your eye colour, what would it be?
Green. But I'm pretty okay with my eyes.

What’s on your wish- list for your birthday?
A car. Just kidding. Maybe a lens for my camera that I'm (hopefully) getting this summer.

Can you do a chin- up?
Haha. No.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Absolutely excited!!!

Have you been in a car wreck?
Not while I was driving. But I was in a pretty big wreck with my parents when I was younger.

Have you caused a car wreck?
Every time I walk down the street! Just kidding.

Do you have an accent?
I suppose I do to somebody! People say I have a Californian accent.

Last time you cried?
Earlier today.

Plans tonight?
Hmm I think our friend Kendra might come to visit, and Marshall.

Have you ever felt like you have hit rock bottom?
Yes.

Name three things you bought yesterday?
I didn't buy anything yesterday! Except meals with my meal plan, so I guess, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Have you met someone who has changed your life?
Of course!

For the better or worse?
Always for the better, even in the worst of situations.

How did you bring in the New Year?
In Spokane, Washington with family, friends, and boyfriend.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Absolutely not.

What songs do you sing in the shower?
"Defying Gravity," The national anthem, whatever is stuck in my head at the time.

Have you held hands with someone today?
Not yet!

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Marshall?

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
It's a mix!

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
If it's not from concentrate.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Uhm... I don't know! It was one night at home.

What were you doing at 12 am last night?
Don't remember. I think I was on the phone.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
What time is it?

Steal it if you want to, because you know I'd like to learn more about you!

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

2010-04-27T11:40:00.001-07:00

Happy Tuesday everybody!!! I honestly never thought those words would escape my lips, but there they are... I'm having a fah-bulous Tuesday! A show at Zoey's Cafe in Ventura (It's kind of a big deal here) is on the horizon, an INCROYABLE internship opportunity is available to me, my voice lesson went GREAT this morning, and I'm just really happy.

PS, go check out Whispering Writer's Hey It's Okay... post today, because she's way funnier than I am.

Well, here we go... are you ready, Steve? Andy?* Wait, what?

Oh yeah, Tuesday! Let's goooo!

Hey It's Okay To...

Have a girl crush on M.I.A.. I mean, if you saw her perform at the 2009 Grammy's all pregnant, you can't NOT think she's a sexy beast. Just saying. (Though I must admit I am still processing her new music video, "Born Free". Hmm. Look it up if you want to, I don't want to post it on here, I don't do well with graphic violence. It does make a statement.)

Have lunch by yourself once in awhile. It's actually nice.

Be really excited about a summer job that's not going to pay you a cent.

Giggle a little bit when you see a really awkward looking couple. And maybe send your friend a text that says, "Hey, I just saw this really awkward couple..."

Write a 1200 word paper the day before it's due. I mean, 1200 words really isn't that many.

Want to beat up anyone who's mean to your little sister. Or brother.

Know you would never actually beat anyone up no matter how much you wanted to because you frequently hurt yourself trying to punch your own boyfriend in defense of being tickled.

Sometimes have 90's music flashbacks with your roommate.

Think these tiny Arizona Iced Teas from Fresh & Easy are totally adorable!!**

Be convinced that web cams were designed to make your droopy eyelid look extra droopy and to make ridiculous faces in order to hide that fact.

Be super excited for the H&M coming to the Ventura mall!!!

Get mad when people wear leggings as pants. And I mean furious.

Deface public property as long as you're correcting grammar/spelling. I wouldn't really consider it defacement. =)

That's all folks! Hope you're having an okay Tuesday!

*If you caught the reference, I'm impressed. If not, check this out.
**If you're not familiar with Arizona Iced Tea, this is the size you buy at the gas station for 99 cents. (Picture courtesy of Google Images)